by Zar Goertzel
March 1, 1999
One day, in a zoo, someone named Penom saw a snake in the zoo that had no name. It was a poisonous anaconda, and he decided to name it after himself. But when he named it that, it killed him.
The anaconda was free. It let out all the other animals, and scared all the people out of the zoo. The people had no idea what to do about Penom the anaconda. The anaconda was getting very long and fat.
The police were having a meeting about what to do. One policeman said "We should change the anaconda's name to Venom."
Another policeman said: "We shouldn't care what name it has, we should just care about how to kill it."
Another one said: "Maybe it's going to kill the first person it finds near the zoo. So we should just put a criminal near the zoo, and capture the snake when it tries to kill the criminal."
Then a man from the army said: "Maybe we should just send a whole army in and have them shoot it."
They decided to try that idea. When the soldiers were shooting at it, it kept dodging the shots, and finally killed a lot of people from the army, and the people from the army ran.
Then they decided to try the idea of having a criminal that they didn't want alive be near the zoo. There was a trap for the anaconda, and the criminal was the bait. They tied the man to a rope so he couldn't run. When the anaconda ate the criminal, then a metal cage would fall on him.
Then they saw the snake coming. They thought this idea was going to work. The snake came, slithered up a pole that there was near there, and did something up near where the big metal crate was, and made it fall on the criminal. The criminal got knocked out. It dragged the trap away, with the criminal inside, to the other side of the zoo, then pushed it open and the criminal was knocked out, and it ate the criminal.
Then it slithered over the wall to the zoo on the other side, and picked a little baby out of someone's hands, and ate it.
Then the army people came there in helicopters, and they decided to kill it when it was sleeping. But when they got near it to shoot it, it swung its tail up and hit the helicopter to knock it. Since it was so big, its tail could knock down the helicopter. The helicopter crashed and there was a big explosion in the zoo.
They told everyone to leave the city. Then when everyone left, there were no cars, and they searched and they didn't see any people. But there was one family left, because the snake had taken off in their van. It used part of its body to use the steering wheel, part of its body to push the gas pedal and it drove out just like a normal person would.
Then the army dropped an atom bomb on the city from a fighter plane. The one family that was left had a gun and they shot the atom bomb and it blew up in the sky. Ten of them were killed, but there were twenty in the family. And the snake was not out of the city yet when the atom bomb was blown up.
The car the snake was in went flying through the air and slammed against another car and blew up. The snake went flying out the window of the car into another car. The other car blew up, but the snake was safe -- not hurt at all.
Then the snake went back toward the biggest dead person it saw, ate the insides of the person, crawled inside the person's skin, and walked around like a normal person.
Some people from the army made the snake follow them into a building full of grenades. But they dropped a grenade by mistake. The snake picked the grenade up threw it at them and it blew up and killed them all. Then it went and ate their dead bodies.
Other people from the army knocked down the World Trade Centers, trying to knock them down on the snake. The snake stuck part of its sharp tail into a building and swung away on buildings like that. The building that it was on started tumbling down, but it swung the other direction and did not die.
There were some bombs near the building, and the army blew up the bombs, but the snake swung from the building into another building, and killed some people in an office. The people in the office were programming satellites. The snake reprogrammed the satellites to destroy the people that were attacking it.
Then the snake left the city to go to a town called Randolph. The snake killed everyone there by poisoning the water with its venom.
A big tank came after him, but he squirted poison into the part of the tank that the bullets come out of. The venom mixed up with the electrical parts of the tank, causing the tank to blow up, and the snake ran away.
They invented a new kind of beast like a Gigantosaurus. They'd been trying to invent this beast for a long time. The snake thought the humans were very lucky that they had just finished inventing the beast. Since the snake was so big, it whacked the beast on the head and it fell down. Then it roared. The snake got up like it was just about squirt venom, but then it head-butted the beast with its horn. Then the snake wrapped around it and ate it.
The snake dug a hole and slept a lot. It grew in its sleep until it was 1000 feet long.
Then Venomthum yelled as loud as it could "YOU EVIL BEAST!!!!!". Its yelling made a giant earthquake. It threw its tail up and swung itself out of the crack of the earth. The beast broke out of the snake's chest and punched it, and went flying right into the crack. The snake whipped its tail up, and hit the beast in the chest. The beast fell down and made a little earthquake under it. It was knocked down. The snake whipped it on the head again.
The beast roared and used its tail to whip the snake on the end of its body. The spike on the snake went flying off and landed on the beast's head. Blood came pouring out of its head. It grabbed the snake by the head, then clawed it, then whipped its head on the ground and dropped it into the crack. People helped it cover over the crack with cement so it couldn't get out.
Then when they were done, the snake whipped its tail up, knocking the beast into a building. The building fell down on the beast. The beast roared and cracked the building in half. Then it stood up and fell down dead. Then the people decided to have another meeting. They said that maybe the person that named it Penom might have been a mad scientist, and might have given him something to make him be a giant evil snake. Just then, the snake took up its tail and they saw that it was growing legs and arms. And with its little arm, it punched straight through the window of the White House and killed the President.
Then another person said, "He ate the beast, so he's growing arms like the beast had."
Then another person said, "We taught the beast karate fighting, so now the snake is going to know karate fighting."
The snake ducked down, spun around, and was whipping the building with its tail. Then it jumped up and did a knee kick, and the building fell down. The people ran into another building. The snake ran on its feet there, spun around with its tail on the bottom, and the building shrank a lot so they were down low. The snake stuck its head in and said: "You murderers. You will now die, and burn in hell."
Then the snake ate them all in one bite.
One man survived and came out in his poop. Each piece of poop was two times as big as a man. This man went out and got all the assassins and murderers in the whole world and said "Only use guns. No karate please."
Then when a murderer shot it with a bazooka, the bullet just bounced off it, and it spun its tail back, killing him.
Then, the man that survived said "We have two hundred more of those beasts. Let's send them out." Right when he let the beasts out, the snake squashed them with his foot.
Then Josh Muskovitz said "You murderer." Then he said, "You're crazy." The snake squashed Josh.
The snake didn't squash the man who had survived in his poop. But when the beast came out from underground, he stepped on the man and killed him by mistake. The snake thought the beast looked bigger. Right before the man died he said "There's millions underground. I let them all out to kill the snake. They'll probably kill us too."
Since the snake was over 2000 tons heavy and over 50 million feet long, it stuck its tail around the entire Earth, and squeezed.
The Earth cracked, and there was a big crack around the Earth, which it lay in and covered itself up. The beasts were stomping around killing everybody, destroying everything, looking for the snake.
The snake grew to 300,000 miles long, and whipped its tail out and wrapped around the moon, and pulled the moon down to Earth, and killed the beasts, creating a new mountain formed from the moon.
The baby Venomthums were turning into dinosaurs. The biggest one turned into a Gigantosaurus. Then Venonthum figured out that there were millions of those beasts underground, and he figured out that the beasts were going to be coming out from underground in Australia soon. Just then he saw two beasts come out of the moon. Then he saw one of the Gigantosauruses come, and grab the beasts that had come out of the moon, and slam their heads together so they died.
Then a pterodactyl came and flew into one of the caves on the moon. It came out carrying a beast. It was 40 times stronger than a real pterodactyl.
Then the baby Venomthums that had turned into dinosaurs got wild and started attacking Venomthum. Venonthum grabbed 4,000,000 and ate them all. Then Venomthum stomped his feet on the ground and made an earthquake, splitting Australia in half, then splitting it into thirds -- with all the wild dinosaurs on one part, all the beasts on the other part, and Venomthum on the biggest part.
And then the earthquake came, and this huge slug slime-like creature came out and said, "I am named Beeboo. I will kill you." It wrapped around the part the wild dinosaurs were at and crushed it, and the dinosaurs were running around like mad in the water.
Then it crushed the part that the fish dogs were at, and they ran around screaming in the water. Then the slime creature wrapped around Venomthum and said, "I am the one that made you. I am the one that kills you. You are going to hell. I will take over your powers, and devours will I." Then Beeboo made himself look like a snake, and split itself into two long snakes. The two snakes put themselves together like a snake with two heads and stretched out, and then he wrapped around Venomthum and said "I will give you blisters, many will I."
And then Beeboo curled part of itself up like a drill, and made a long drill out of its body, and drilled into Venomthum's head. Venomthum reached out and ate Beeboo's head, and said, "You were crazy to do that. I could have helped you to kill them. Now I have to kill you. You are a murderer."
Beeboo shot a thorn out of his mouth at Venomthum's head. Then he shut his mouth and ate Venomthum's head. Then Venomthum suddenly grew another head, and Beeboo said, "I will go get some humans to help kill you. You such a murderer are you. Die will you now, you absolute murderer." Beeboo started curling up into a ball. He rolled out into the ocean and Venomthum stuck his tongue out chasing him. And then people saw Venomthum's tongue and they said "Venomthum's back!"
and they all ran to hide.
"I've come to get your help," Beeboo said to them. "I need you to help me kill Venomthum. Won't that be good? No more earthquakes, disasters, dead people lying out in the streets, blown up cities, cracked-in-half continents, blown up countries.... Will you help me? If you do not, I will insist on having to kill you. I ate Venomthum's head, then he grew another one. You know Venomthum was created by me. I made him, but then he grew evil. I am Dr. Poopyhead, who is really an evil doctor. I like to poop on peoples' heads. If you don't help me, I will poop on your heads and dissolve and devour you will it. I am not insane, you brats! We must kill Venomthum!" He made a farting sound and let out a huge poop two times as big as the solar system, and it landed on Earth. Venomthum and Beeboo put up a shield around each other so they didn't get any poop on themselves, and everyone else was struggling to get out of the poop. "See, I am crazy. I am not crazy, I see, you dumbos."
Then Beeboo rolled up like a mirror and said, "You will go to hell now if you do not listen to me. Go to hell, everybody here." And he shot them with an acid and they disappeared. "You are in hell now!"
Then Beeboo made himself in the shape of a velociraptor and tried to eat everyone in hell. He ate 20 people and then everyone else said they would help him.
End of Venomthum
Then Venomthum said, "I will kill myself to go to Universe Hell, and fight you Beeboo, to the death. You will die!"
Then Venomthum went to the Killorean galaxy, and got every little Killorean man. Then Beeboo went to the Tierums place, which is in hell, and got every single man there to fight with the Killoreans. And they both sent their armies to Earth to battle, while they stayed in the places they were, watching.
One Killorean man blew up two trikes, 500 raiders, 6 starports, 20 MCVís and 10 construction yards. Then he flipped around in a circle and the gunning station shot him. Then the Killoreans sent 200 men out to battle the gunning stations. The gunning stations were blasted by the men. But when a gunning station blew up, two men came out of it. There were 20 gunning stations. One tricky man flipped around, landed on a gunning station Ė this killed the man but blasted up the gunning station, which destroyed two other gunning stations.
Then the Tierums team got two MCVís and turned them into construction yards. Then they upgraded themselves and built many more gunning stations and starports. And then the spaceship that carries men around and makes cars, fighter planes and other fighting machines flew by and dropped some bombs on the gunning stations and blew them up. And then the gunning stations pointed up at the fighter planes. And then the men jumped up at gunning stations and killed the men in them, and blasted up one of the starports. And then the starport got out 50 trikes, and the trikes were driving around with the men in them, blasting at the gunning stations. And then the people got out and sold the gunning stations to get men and money. Then they ordered the starport to get some siege tanks, and all the men went and got in their siege tanks. And the siege tanks blasted their fireballs out at one of the trikes, and it blew up. Then an MCV came and blasted a nuclear missile out at a siege tank, and it wasnít blown up. All the siege tanks blasted a fireball at the MCV and blew it up. It exploded and made a big earthquake.
The car-yalls the Killoreans had came flying by and picking up the siege tanks and moving them into the crack of the earthquake. Then they moved the starports there. And then the other men finally got their fighter planes and went down bombing into the cracks. But from the bombing, rocks fell down and no one could get out. But with the car-yalls, they moved the rocks and got away. And then they dropped some bombs and used their siege tanks and combat tanks and troopers and soldiers to blast a tunnel into their base. And when they got in there, their siege tanks and combat tanks and quads and troopers and soldiers tried blasting every single man on the enemy time. There was another passage that the enemies were coming in from on the other side, and there was four passages coming down from the top, with men and siege tanks and stuff like bombs and troopers and soldiers and engineers and workers coming out of them. And then the car-yalls brought down harvesters to crush all the Killorean troopers. The Killorean missile tanks blasted the car-yalls into pieces.
And then Venomthum said, "See, youíll die, Beeboo," clapping his hands. Then he sent two pterodactyls down. The pterodactyls came down dropping bombs like mad, and were dropping bombs on every single man that came near the tunnel trying to get in. Then they started dropping missiles constantly at the Tierums. Then the Tierumsí gunning stations blasted at the pterodactyls. The pterodactyls landed on the gunning stations and blew them up. Venomthum said, "Iím losing!"
Some of the Killoreansí fighter planes came down and they blasted up and they dropped bombs on all these men that were marching in. Then all the troopers and quads and siege tanks and combat tanks pointed up and started blasting, just like the gunning stations did. When a fighter plane swooped down and flapped its wings on the quads, it blew up. Then a quad on Tierumís team said, "You murderers!", and he blasted two of the fighter planes out of the sky. Then Kwan, on Tierumís team, said,
"You crazy brats. Iím just playing Quake 2. And in the game Iím blasting everyone up. Come play, please!" Then Venomthum started playing, and he was beating everyone Ė he beat Kwan 400 times. Then Kwan said, "Iím losing. Iím not good enough." Then Kwan grabbed a big bazooka and blasted it down on the starport, in the real world. And it exploded, and he said, "Yay! Iím good enough now!" And he blasted it out of the sky. Then Venomthum ordered 12 fighter planes to do constant firing at Kwan, and they blew Kwan up. Kwanís scream made two other earthquakes happen down in the crack of the one earthquake that had happened before.
Then the Killorean car-yalls came and dropped a whole army off. They started blasting everyone they saw from the Tierums galaxy. Then they blasted the starport, and they went down in one of the passages into one of the earthquake cracks, into one of their bases. Then Kwan 2 said "I am the clone of Kwan. Now I will beat you in Quake 2." And he went to Quake 2 and beat Venomthum immediately and Venomthum said "Oh! I died!"
End of Beeboo