One day in Hobbiton, the hobbit Bilbo Baggins woke up and found out there were thousands of Death Stars in the sky. He thought the Death Stars were just thousands of planets in the sky. He called all the hobbits, and ran around trying to get people to stop these planets from shooting beams down and killing hobbits.
Then TIE fighters came down and started shooting people. Some people shot bow and arrows at the TIE fighter. One person shot a magic arrow at a TIE fighter and it smashed through the glass and hit the person in the face. But the TIE fighter crashed down on top of the person who shot the arrow, and killed him.
Then, A-wing and X-wing fighters came down, and Luke landed in one of them. But Vader had landed first, and all the rebels dissolved when they touched Vader. Someone shot the magic black arrow at Vader's hand, and it just got disintegrated. Hobbits were running all over, getting shovels and digging holes to hide in. But the holes were no use, because stormtroopers landed and dropped bombs in the holes and blew the hobbits out.
Then Luke came down and shot 29 stormtroopers. Then Vader came to Luke, and Luke fought with Vader, while all the hobbits, men and elves were shooting arrows and throwing spears at Vader.
Then Bilbo found a laser beam gun. And he he pushed something back on it, and it killed a stormtrooper. Then he told all the other hobbits, men and elves to get all the laser beam guns they could -- from dead stormtroopers. Some of them even jumped on stormtroopers and grabbed their laser beam guns where they were still alive.
Luke chopped Vader's hand off, and then Vader ran back to the spaceship to get a robot hand.
Luke told them to pick up dead stormtroopers and throw them at other stormtroopers, to keep them held down long enough for someone else to grab their gun. Luke was killing thousands of stormtroopers, but then he ran back to his X-wing, to go kill the TIE fighters.
Then Gandalf the wizard came, and the Emperor came out. The Emperor was electrocuting Gandalf, and then Sauron, the Dark Lord from Mordor, came to attack Gandalf at the same time. Sauron was stealing more and more of Gandalf's power. Then Vader came and joined the attack, and Gandalf and Sauron were both killed.
Then the orcs and goblins and trolls marched into the battle, along with Sauron's Dark Riders. Luke found the One Ring, which had given Sauron his power, and chopped it in half with his light saber; and the Dark Riders and all of Sauron's orce, goblins and trolls disappeared.
Then then Ents (the tree people) came and dug a huge hole in the ground, so that the lava from Mount Doom came up and burned a lot of people. This was their idea for how to end the war. Everyone ran in their spaceships.
Tom Bombadil, the magical man from the forest, had come out with the Ents, but now he had to fly up into a spaceship also.
The Ents ran up on top of Mount Doom to get away from the fire, but they were too heavy for the mountain, so it collapsed under them, and they burned up in the underground fire.
Then a thousand more Ents came out, and ran away, because they saw that Mount Doom was cracked.
Vader's Star Destroyers and Death Stars dropped huge amounts of metal on the lava to stop it from burning. A thousand hobbits were killed by this time.
It took more than one laser beam to kill an Ent; but a tap of a light saber could kill one.
Then, the other wizards came out, since Gandalf was dead. Three of them were killed, but the hobbits Frodo and Bilbo got all the power from the wizards who were killed, and then they made one of the Death Stars blow up, using this power. Then Saruman, the wizard got killed -- and twenty others. Frodo and Bilbo got all the power from them. Bilbo and Frodo now had two magical rings, from dead wizards, which hadn't been destroyed.
So Bilbo and Frodo made a thousand stormtroopers die, with all their power.
Then Ewoks appeared on the planets -- some of the rebels had gone back to get them. And Zar's and Zeb's army came too, with their Death Universe.
The Death Universe sent out five quintillion Star Destroyers -- which wasn't even an eighth of all the Star Destroyers they had there. And each Star Destroyer sent thousands of TIE fighters and X-wings out.
Zar's and Zeb's army built a huge metal shell around the planet, to make it even bigger. The metal shell had plants on it just as if it were a real planet. So now the planet was even bigger. All the hobbits ran up to the metal part. There was one part of the metal shell which was covered with dirt, and had lots of holes in it, for the hobbits to live in. You could dig twenty miles down through the dirt before you got to hard metal.
The war had destroyed most of the planet -- there were no trees or grass there anymore, just dirt. The lava melted almost everything, before it finally hardened into rock. The hobbit holes were covered.
But Frodo and Bilbo blew up the Star Destroyers that Zar and Zeb's army had brought, because they thought they were evil.
And the Ben and Gwen army came, and they liked the Zar and Zeb army, because the bosses of the army were their kids, so it was like each army was a part of the other one, because they didn't fight each other. They sent even more down -- magicians from other galaxies and other universes. Then they went down and fought with the Emperor and Vader.
The Emperor and Vader killed Ben and Gwen, so now Zar and Zeb were in charge of Ben and Gwen's army and Zar and Zeb's army.
Then something bad happened. Ben and Gwen had sent down an evil magician by mistake, right before they had gotten killed, and the evil magician killed Bilbo. Frodo used his power and killed all the evil there was in the universe and all the universes -- the Emperor and Vader, and all the trolls and orcs and goblin.
Then the Entwives came out, to be with the Ents, because all the evil was gone. They had lived in the center of the planet. The Entmaids came out too.
The planet stayed disgusting from that war forever, so almost everyone went to live in the metal shell. Zar and Zeb's army built twenty more metal shells for people to live in.
It stayed good for two years on that planet, with no evil at all. Then more evil came, from a clone Emperor and Vader. The Zar and Zeb army came back and shot more metal shells over the planet. Thousands of trolls and magicians and other evil creatures came back with the clones. There were two hundred thousand Ents, and Entwives and Entmaids, and the Entwives and Entmaids went back into the center of the planet where they had been. Thousands of TIE fighters came down and shot the metal shells.
The hobbits were in the outer shell; they kept feeling all the shaking, until one fell out of its hole and zoomed out into space. The others ran down to the ordinary planet, because they thought it was the safest place, being in the middle.
More Death Stars came, and shot their laser beams at the metal shells, and broke some of the metal shell.
Trolls were shooting Ents while the Ents came out fight with the TIE fighters. Another magic black arrow was shot at the clone Vader, but it disintegrated when it hit the clone Vader's hand. It made a noise like KKKKKSSSTTHHCKKKK! And it was gone. It ended up in the Star Wars Universe, going towards the ground. In the Star Wars Universe, that arrow can kill anyone but the Emperor and Vader.
A thousand more TIE fighters came, and a thousand more stormtroopers, and they all landed and got out. The hobbits and elves and men ran into the TIE fighters and flew them around, shooting and shooting. The stormtroopers said: "Look! All the TIE fighters are being flown, except for one. I don't think we can shoot them all down." Then, it flew up. All the other TIEs that hobbits, elves and men were flying went back and shot the other TIE fighter.
A thousand more TIEs came, and now the hobbits, elves and men only had 999. But the good ones were much better at flying fast. The hobbits flew the TIE fighters down into their hobbit holes; the elves and men flew theirs into the places that they lived.
Then all these boats came out of the oceans, and people got off the boats and went around collecting laser guns. Then they went back on the boats and shot TIE fighters, once they found out there was a war going on.
In each TIE fighter there were 20 laser beam guns, so each creature in a TIE fighter came out to shoot the laser beam guns.
Luke fought with Darth Vader more, and Frodo had all the power of the wizards who had died, so he used his power to blow up a Death Star. But then he found it wasn't really blown up, it was just broken, so that when it shot a beam, it just shot an ordinary laser beam, and all the people inside it were very very tiny, flying very, very little TIE fighters. The people inside could not fight very well having shrunk that small; they were no more powerful than a nail. Then Frodo made all the other Death Stars really blow up.
But Star Destroyers smashed through all the metal shells and got in by the regular planet. There were no more metal shells around. Vader landed on the planet. The Zar and Zeb army decided they would have to blow up that planet ... but then they decided instead they would send a quintillion fighters down, and a quintillion people in spacesuits that you could fly in. They all moved down to the planet and destroyed all the planet that was there. But they knew more evil was going to come again, so they built two times as many metal shells as there had used to be, and everyone lived on the metal shells.
Lukc Skywalker knew there was a Jedi Master that was named Joruus C'baoth. And Luke Skywalker was a Jedi Master. Luke made a spaceship so that the outside was electric and the inside was metal, by shooting red lightning bolts out of his hands. Lukc could turn lightning bolts into laser beams, and he could shoot lightning bolts out of his eyes.
Luke found Jorus C'baoth in another universe, in Universe ZarAndZeb ... the galaxy he was in in that universe was the farthest one from the middle of the universe, and the closest to the outside of that universe. And the name of the planet he was on was Zichabod. Then Luke found him and shot lightning bolts out of his eyes at Jorus C'baoth and laser beams out of his fingers. And Jorus C'baoth didn't know how Luke did that, so Jorus C'baoth ran away, because he was afraid of Luke, because Luke shot lightning bolts out of his eyes.
C'baoth got in his spaceship and went to Universe Infinity. He didn't go through hyperspace, he went through another kind of hyperspace, that Luke didn't know about.
Then 400 clones of Jorus C'baoth came out, but none of them were the real one. But Luke did what he did to the real Jorus C'baoth to all of them, and they were so scared that they went to Universe Infinity.
But then Luke found out that all the other Rebels were getting destroyed by 400 other clones of Jorus C'baoth. He flew in his spaceship back there, but then he saw 400 million bombs, and laser beams coming out of the Jorus C'baoth's eyes and their fingers and their toes. Then Luke made 400 million clones of him, so there were 400,000,001 Lukes. Then all the Lukes made little spaceships from lightning and they destroyed all the Jorus C'baoths.
But by then, most of the Rebels were dead, because it had taken Luke 4 years to get back to the base. The only that was alive was the Wookie, Chewbacca. All the others had been destroyed. Chewbacca had figured out all the Jorus C'baoths were coming before anyone else, and had hidden. Han Solo hadn't believed him that the clones were coming, so he hadn't gone to hide with Chewie. Chewbacca had hidden down underground, as far down as he could dig with his claws. The C'baoths knew he was there, but they didn't know exactly where he was. He was so far down that they couldn't feel him very well in the Force. If he had dug two more meters down, he would have gone through a special door into Universe Infinity, that was inside the planet.
Luke didn't know where the Wookie was, when he got the the planet and defeated the clones. One of them -- the real Luke, who was in charge of all the others -- saw a hole and jumped in it, and at the bottom of the hole he found Chewbacca; and he brought Chewbacca up. All the other Lukc Skywalkers were looking around the rest of the planet, and what they found around the base was all the other rebels dead.
They brought the other rebels into the spaceship, and they got Chewie to dig a big hole down to the middle of the planet, and they flew down in their spaceships to the middle of the planet, and they went through a doorway into Universe Bldldldldleedledelgllgluuuisilldeedbbelelbkdkje- dkblblbldulllbldedquock. When they got to Universe Bldldldldleedledelgllgluuuisilldeedbbelelbk- dkjedkblblbldulllbldedquock, then they cloned all the people, and they made spaceships for all of them, and they went back into Universe Infinity where all the other Rebels were. And they were stuck in that universe forever.
Then Luke and Chewie went back to the planet Zichabod, and they didn't see anybody else.
They went back to the cloning planet, in Universe Bldldldldleedledelgllgluuuisilldeedbbelelbkdkjedkblblbldulllbldedquock, and made more clones of the dead Rebels, and sent those clones
out in more spaceships. The clones went back to the planet Zichabod and went into the hole and they
were in Universe Infinity. All the Lukes and Chewbacca decided: "Okay, we'll just stay by
ourselves here."
By Zarathustra Amadeus Goertzel June 1997 One day Darth Vader saw pterodactyl flying by on the moon of Endor. He thought it could be useful to help win the war against the Rebels. So he decided to get hundreds of stormtroopers to help him capture the pterodactyls. He saw a whole herd of pterodactyls flying past already. Then he saw four Tyrannosaurus Rexes charging towards him. He knew he'd have to use the Force to kill them. He got all the Imperials to grab the Tyrannosauruses with nets and catch them, to help him kill the Rebels, and turn Luke to the Dark Side. He took all the stormtroopers who had caught the dinosaurs he saw and brought them on the Katana fleet of 200 Dreadnaught fighters, to bring back to their base. He taught the pterodactyls to fly in space, using oxygen tanks that he gave them, and jets to help them go extra fast so their air won't run out, and heaters to keep them hot in space. The pterodactyls went to the Rebels' base, and Luke saw them; he thought they would be useful in the war against the Empire. He captured them and made them go to try to kill the Empire. All of the Rebels went in 400 Dreadnaughts, called the Eliminator Fleet because it could blow up a Death Star just by shooting laser beams at it very fast – in four hours, the Death Star would be blown up by the laser beams of the fleet of Dreadnaughts. The pterodactyls were flying in space, next to the Dreadnaughts. But then the Empire saw the pterodactyls flying by. The Rebels killed all the Tyrannosaurus Rexes that were on the moon of Endor, and the Empire killed all of the pterodactyls. This happened long after the real Darth Vader died; this Darth Vader was a clone of the real one, made from the real one's hand that Luke had chopped off.. Darth Vader sent all the Star Destroyers and the Katana Fleet and all the Empire's TIE fighers and 400 Death Stars after the Rebel Fleet. But the Rebels had enough Dreadnaughts to destroy all the Death Stars and everything else because they had invented a cloning machine that could clone things that weren't alive – Dreadnaughts and other spaceships. They cloned more and more and more spaceships, that kept flying out as fast as they could to help out in the war. They had one person back there and they kept on cloning him over and over again to fly the spaceships. They kept on copying the one person, and kept copying the clones. The original person was in the main Dreadnaught that was controlling all of the others – it was near the Rebels' base. He had little movie screens showing pictures of the other Dreadnaughts, and where they were going, so he could tell them what to do. This kept up until the Rebels had 800 quintillion (800,000,000,000,000,000,000) Dreadnaughts, Then the one person who was controlling them started to fly in one of them – but the main controlling one did not move, it just kept on learning what the other ones were doing, and making them do things. The 800 quintillion ships that the Rebels had blew up all the stuff that the Empire had. After they were done using all these Dreadnaughts, most of these people had to live in the spaceships, because there weren't enough planets for them all. When they needed more gas to make the spaceships go, they pulled up near a star and got more gas. The Rebels built a Star Destroyer and 40 Death Stars, by mushing a lot of Dreadnaughts together. Their Death Stars shot red beams of light, using a huge gun made by melting together millions of smaller guns taken off of Dreadnaughts. Then they kept cloning the Death Stars to make more Death Stars, and they kept cloning TIE fighters. Eventually the whole universe was filled up with spaceships and weapons, so there was nowhere to move. They made tunnels between spaceships and those were the only places left to fight. There were still some bad guys who had sneaked on the Rebel ships – a lot of stormtroopers who had been left on planets during the war because there weren't enough ships. They built tunnels through planets to get to a spaceship from a planet, and tunnels into the inside of planets; and they had special cooling systems to make it so they couldn't get too hot in the center of a planet; and if it was cold in the center of a planet, then the had special heating systems to make it so they wouldn't get too cold. And Darth Vader met Luke when he was working on one of the spaceships, and Darth Vader chopped both of Luke's hands off and both of Luke's feet off; and Luke chopped both of Darth Vader's hands off and Darth Vader's feet off, by moving his lightsaber through the air with the Force. They were both stuck there until one of the good guys found Luke and gave him robot hands and robot feet Luke liked the universe full of spaceships, because he liked spaceships. Later, Luke came back and killed Darth Vader – he couldn't turn Vader to the good side of the Force because it was a clone; clones were impossible to make good. But it wasn't a crazy clone, it was a smart clone – there was a way to make very smart clones in a minute now. Then a stormtrooper came and took Darth Vader's head, and made a clone of Darth Vader again, so there would be a new clone of Darth Vader. Then Darth Vader went back on the ship and fought with Luke. They kept fighting for hours until the day was done – then he was still fighting with Darth Vader, until Luke used the Force to control Darth Vader's lightsaber and chop Darth Vader's leg off. Jorus C'baoth was cloned, from his hand which had been chopped off by Luke. The space between suns and planets was filled with spaceships, but there were special windows so light could get through. The windows were made out of peoples' hair – so everyone was totally bald. Whenever someone grew long enough hair, they cut it off, because they needed it to make the windows. But they needed something to make the hair invisible. They did this by using the Force. Jorus C'baoth took Darth Vader away and made a clone of him from his leg. They came back and were fighting Luke. But Leia's son came out and helped Luke to fight, and he killed Jorus C'baoth by sneaking up behind him and stabbing him with a lightsaber. Then Leia's son killed Darth Vader by stabbing him in the back, and put both of them in outer space, where no one else could find them – he put them out between the spaceships. Then there were four other clones of Jorus C'baoth and four other clones of Darth Vader. And they saw 800 pterodactyls and four Tyrannosaurus Rexes and nine velociraptors. These had come from a different galaxy that no one had ever gone to – but now the whole universe was filled up with spaceships, so the dinosaurs broke through the windows of spaceships to get into some spaceships, and traveled from one spaceship to another until they got to where Luke and Darth Vader and the others were. Darth Vader was very glad to see the dinosaurs. He sent them all to Leia's son, to kill him. But he used the Force to chop their heads off, so the war against the dinosaurs was very easy for him. But then the four Darth Vaders killed Leia's son. Leia was so upset she killed herself. Luke went crazy and killed Leia's other kid, and he killed everyone he saw. He was a good guy, but he went crazy and killed everyone he saw. He wasn't on the Dark Side and he wasn't on the good side when he got crazy – he was on the Crazy Side of the Force, like Jorus C'baoth. But Jorus C'baoth got to be not crazy, and killed Luke. He had made a special machine that gave the thing that made him crazy to Luke, making Luke crazy, and making him not be crazy. Then the real Luke showed up. It turned out to have been a clone of Luke that was doing that crazy stuff. And there was another clone of Luke, also going crazy, and the real Luke killed the other clone of Luke. Luke wanted to get rid of the cloning machine, because it was causing so much trouble, but he never knew where it was. It kept cloning itself, by scratching some metal off of itself, and putting the metal into the machine, and creating more metal. People on the Dark Side kept taking the metal that the cloning machine produced and making new cloning machines out of it.
"Cooooooooookieeees!!!" the Cookie Monster said.
His mother fed him some cookies. He ate half of one of them. "Yukky
cookies,"
he said. "I hate cookies. I want some plankton."
His mom said, "I don't know where that stuff is gotten. So you must go get it
yourself."
"I don't know where to get it either."
"I don't even know what it is," said his mom.
"I know what it is," said the Cookie Monster. "And I know that blue whales
eat it. But it's too small to see, so how do blue whales find it?"
"Maybe their eyes can just see better than ours under the water," said his
mom.
"No," said Cookie Monster. "I think they just drink the water and the
plankton get stuck on the little things inside their mouth. And then their
tongue comes and takes the plankton off and puts them into their stomach."
"How can you do that?"
"I'll get some strings and put the stuff that plankton like to eat on the
strings. Then they'll all come and suck on the strings and then I'll take them
off with my tongue and swallow them."
"But how will your tongue get them off of the strings?"
"I'll make my tongue very good and strong, I'll make it much bigger."
So Cookie Monster walked to the ocean.
He got lots of bottles of stuff that he thought plankton would like --
Plankton Super Gum that sticks to plankton. He put it on some strings in his
mouth. Then he went down and rubbed it on the bottom of the ocean.
But then, something terrible happened. Lots of whales jumped up all around
him, until he was covered by heaps of blue whales, trying to get some plankton.
He decided to follow them to where plankton was. He saw where all the blue
whales were right away, and he saw that a humongous group of great white sharks
was chasing them all over, and he nearly got eaten.
Eleven giant octopuses swam by. He got one piece of plankton but then it
started growing inside him. It was growing until it got big enough for you to
see on land. It was starting to split him open. He was saying "Ouch! Ouch!"
He decided to reach down in his throat and pull it out. But he couldn't get it
out himself, so he went to an octopus and said "I need some plankton to be
taken out. It's giant." One of the giant octopuses took it out for him.
He planted the plankton in the bottom of the ocean. Then it kept growing and
growing, until it came out on land. It started growing out from under the
land, near people's houses. They said "What is that? What is growing? It's
something growing from the ocean! I think it's a giant plankton growing up,
because we're near the best plankton place in the world, where all the blue
whales live. I think it's plankton!!!!!"
Some scientists came to study the plankton, and they found out that it might
never stop growing. It kept getting bigger and bigger, until it was taller
than Mount Everest. It kept getting thinner and thinner and taller and taller.
They thought that eventually, it would break down into pieces, but it didn't,
it just kept getting thinner and thinner and taller and taller, until it was
invisible, but it was still growing.
It kept growing until it reached the planet Zalipsik. Creatures with 96 heads
and 400,000,000 legs and infinity eyes and zero noses and two mouths lived on
this planet. Their hair was 2000 meters tall, and the creature was 4000 meters
tall. These creatures could see the plankton because they had infinity many
eyes. They slid down the plankton until they got to Earth.
The creatures from Zalipsik thought Earth was part of their planet, because on
their planet, giant planktons grow all the time. They thought they could eat
the Earth, because they normally eat their planet, and they thought the Earth
was part of their planet. One of them tried to eat the Earth -- he ate the
rock and he said "I think I'm getting sick! I think I'm gonna die! Don't eat
the rock on this planet!" And none of them ate the rocks on Earth. They
decided Earth was not good for them because if the eat anything there they get
killed, and the air wasn't very good for them, so they went back to Zalipsik.
The one of them who had eaten the rock died, and the earth scientists cut it
open to see how it was made.
The Cookie Monster decided plankton was too much trouble, and he went back to
eating cookies. He went back to his mom and he said "I've decided that I'll go
back to eating cookies, because it's too hard to get plankton, even though I
ate one giant one. It got really giant and now it goes to another planet!!!"
His mom said, "Good. Your name is not Plankton Monster, it's Cookie Monster,
so you're supposed to eat cookies. Now you can eat those old cookies I gave
you before you did this journey."
There once was a scientist who lived very happily in a little house, and he tried to invent
a robber-catching machine. And he would put it on the window and it would capture robbers
who
tried to get in the window, and tie them up with ropes, and it would drop them in a very big,
deep
basement. And after four hundred and sixty million days he finally figured out how to build
the
machine, and it took him twenty-six days to build it.
Once the machine was built, a robber got captured in it, and he fell into the basement. But
then, twenty-six days after, the scientist locked himself out of his house, so he tried to get in
his
window. The machine had made itself invisible, and the scientist forgot about it, so he got
captured and tied up in ropes and dropped into the basement.
He had a wife who was a scientist, who made the basement. She went to the basement
to take the robbers to jail. The scientist was tied up in so many ropes that she couldn't see
him;
she couldn't see that he wasn't a robber. So she took him and the other robber off to jail.
They
were both put in the same prison, and the scientist had lots of stuff in his pockets, that was
stolen
by the other robber when he was sleeping.
The wife started wondering where he was, and she went to the prison and found him. She
took the rope off him and wound the rope back into the machine, so it could wind up two
hundred
and sixty million other people.
Then, the next day, the machine captured an alien that came in a spaceship from outer
space. It caught the spaceship and wound it up. The alien unwound its spaceship down in the
basement and said "Hey! Why did you wind me up!!"
Chapter 2
The scientist and his wife jumped down through the machine while the machine was
sleeping (it sleeps for one minute every day while the people stand guard), to go see the alien.
They stayed down with the alien for the whole day. But the next day, while the machine was
sleeping, no one was guarding it, and someone came up and stole the machine. But right
when
they got the machine to their house, it captured them and threw them back to the basement,
and
it walked back to the house. It was very happy, and it knew not to ever go to sleep again.
The alien's spaceship loved the machine very much, and wanted to get married to the
machine. So the spaceship was flying all over with the machine. The alien hated the machine,
he
wanted to saw it in half, but he couldn't do it because his teeth weren't sharp enough. He tried
to get the spaceship to kill the machine, but the spaceship wouldn't do it.
The alien tried to saw the machine in half with a giant electric saw, but the spaceship had
twenty-six more aliens in it, who had been sleeping before, and they all liked the machine. The
saw was as big as a computer, but the spaceship was as big as a big painting, much bigger than
the computer. The machine was as big as a big door. The other aliens shot thousands of
machine
gun bullets at that alien, until it died. Then the machine captured it, and put it in the basement
again.
But the alien came back to life -- that kind of alien can't stay dead, if it's shot by machine
guns. The only way they can really get killed is to get squeezed very hard. And its skin is as
hard
as brick, so it's almost impossible to kill that alien.
The alien broke open the basement walls and it dug and dug until it got into the jail. The
walls of the jail were metal, so he couldn't break them and get out. The floor was metal now
too.
Right when he got in, the policemen squirted metal all over the walls, so the alien was
surrounded
by metal, and he couldn't get out. The jail cell had so much metal all over, so that he had to
go
through a big maze to get to the part with the bars.
The alien still had his saw, and it was strong enough to saw through the bars, though not
strong enough to saw through the walls. But there was so much metal all over that he couldn't
find the bars.
Finally, in one of the dead ends, he found a big piece of magic gold, and he ate it, and he
changed and disappeared himself and came out from behind the bars. He said, "Now I can get
out and kill those other guys!"
But the spaceship had already left, and taken the machine to its planet. All the other
twenty-six aliens were gone too. The house and the scientist, and the scientist's wife had all
gone
to the other planet. And he had a garage, that they brought too, which had a special lock --
you
had to have toothpaste and put it in the hole, and blow on it, to get the lock to open. That
garage
was where he did all of his experiments.
He decided to steal a spaceship to fly back to his planet. But he didn't know how to get
the the place where spaceships are built. The only way to get there was to walk through
metal,
and aliens can't walk through metal -- only people can (in this story people can walk through
metal). So what he decided to do was to make a capturing machine like the other one. He
made
the machine and it captured a spaceship, and he killed all the people in the spaceship. But
when
he got in the spaceship, he forgot how to fly it, and he just flew all over until he almost starved
to death. Finally his spaceship-capturing machine captured him and threw him out -- it
squeezed
him to death -- and then it drove back to the other planet where the aliens lived. The machine
knew how to drive spaceships, and it was stronger than the other machine, that the scientist
had
built!!!
The silly scientist lived for twenty six years on the other planet. He had a job there,
making very strange kinds of machines. He had to test, and try to figure out how to make the
machines, because he didn't know much about the materials they had there on their planet. What
the machines did was to tie bad guys up, just like his old machine on Earth. But the machines had
to be different, because some of the bad guys were very strong aliens, and they could break metal.
So he had to make the machine out of rubber bands because none of them could break rubbers
bands; and he used rope because none of them could break rope. They were a magic kind of rope
and rubber bands.
He went on a trip to the center of the other planet. There is the place where you work on
spaceships. He did a test on building spaceships, and he tried to make suits that you can wear to
go into the sun. The suits worked; everything of his worked. He went into the sun with his suit
and he didn't die, but all the other people who went with him died, because they took their suits
off to bathe in the water they found there in the sun. There was no water there, it just looked like
it was water -- it was really outer space. So they burned to death in less than one second after
they took off their suits.
And then they figured out a way to make their suits more magic, and their spaceships, so
they could just walk on the sun, and land their spaceships on the sun, for a long time without
getting hot at all. They decided to go live on the sun. There were Sun Creatures there, who were
very cold, as cold as an ice cube -- two hundred and forty four million of them. The Sun
Creatures were their enemy and tried to kill them. The Sun Creatures could only fight with
plastic and paint -- the stuff they throw all over their part of the sun to make it colder so they can
live there. The scientist and his friends won because they could pick up bits of fire from the sun --
they threw the fire all over and burned the Sun Creatures up. The Sun Creatures that didn't die
in the war had to leave the sun and go somewhere else. The Sun Creatures went to the Earth.
Then they figured out a way to live on the sun without wearing suits -- by putting magic
powder on themselves, that was made of something in the sun, called DalOak. Even the middle
of the sun wasn't too hot for them. DalOak comes from the middle of the sun -- they got it in the
spaceship, before the war with the Sun Creatures.
But when the Sun Creatures left the sun, they took the only spaceship -- the one the
scientist and other people had come to the sun in. The people on the sun had no way to make
another spaceship. How do you think they got off?
Some more aliens figured out how to make another spaceship, and they went and built a
spaceship to bring the other guys back. You only need one person to drive this kind of spaceship.
It was twenty times as big as our spaceships now.
But after a while, the scientist decided he really wanted to have a very special kind of TV.
You could only make that kind of TV on Earth; they don't have the right materials on the other
planet. It was a CD-ROM TV, that could play CD-ROMs. The TV was also a CD-ROM
computer, too. The scientist decided to go back to Earth to get it, and then he would bring it
back to the other planet, to show them what kinds of strange things they made back on Earth.
Now when the scientist went to Earth, he went to Perth, in Australia. That was where he
had lived before. He went to the store to buy the kind of TV he wanted -- one with a CD-ROM,
a computer in it, and a very big screen, a screen as big as the wall of a house. He bought a house
-- a big house by the ocean -- and he brought the TV to his house.
But when he was sitting there watching TV, he heard a very strange noise. It sounded like
something he had heard once before -- on the Sun. It was the Sun Creatures. They were in Perth,
trying to kill everyone in Perth. After they had killed everyone in Perth, they would get back in
their spaceship and go back to the US and try to kill the army. But I don't think they could kill
the army, because there were only 14 of them.
He didn't know how to kill the Sun Creatures on Earth. But he said to them, "would you
like to come to my house and watch TV?"
And they said "yes!" and came as fast as they could. They sat down and watched TV for
a long time, because they liked TV so much. They liked the TV so much they wanted to watch
it forever and ever and never stop. If they ever got bored with the TV, they started playing CD-
ROM and computer games. They never wanted to get out of his house. But he made a machine
to lock the doors and windows of the house to stop them from ever getting out, if they ever
wanted to. And they liked the professor, the scientist, because he let them watch TV.
But after a couple of years, they got very very very very very very very very very very
very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very
very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very
very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very
very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very
very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very
very very very very very very very very very bored. They really wanted to get out of the house.
They found out how to make a machine that would break down the TV and the CD-ROM thing,
and make little jigsaws and machine guns to saw through the door.
The scientist had gone and bought another TV and brought it to the other planet, and had
just left Earth. By the time the Sun Creatures got out of the house, all but one of them had
starved to death, because they couldn't eat the Sun anymore. But the one was very lucky, because
he figured out a way not to starve to death -- he made a special machine that he could put on his
mouth, so he could live by eating little germs.
The scientist stayed on the other planet, and the Sun Creature decided to stay on Earth
and be nice. And that was the end.
One night the Silly Scientist had a dream about building robots. He dreamed
that he built a thousand robots. Then he dreamed sixty robots. Then he
dreamed nine hundred and sixty. Then two hundred million. In his dream, he
thought; We should make them do all kinds of things like make paintings, or do
computers, or make houses, or invent stuff and make better kinds of air
conditioners and heaters, like a heater you burn with a match and it keeps
burning for two hundred million years. He thinks about a billion robots as
small as germs that go inside of people's brains and make them smarter; and
tiny robots that go inside peoples' cells and stop them from dying so people
never grow old and die. He thinks about robots that go inside the sun and make
the sun so that it never explodes; and go all around the universe and make the
universe so that it never crunches up.
Then he woke up, and he found out that it might be impossible to make all
those robots that he had in his dream. At first he thought it had really
happened, that it had been his real life when he was thinking about all those
robots, but then he found out it was just a dream. He decided to start making
the easiest kind of robot first, so he could see how easy it was to make a
robot. Then he would keep making harder and harder robots, so he could learn
more about how to make robots. Robot scientists were learning this stuff in
school, but he wasn't, he was just figuring it out by himself, because he was
smarter than them.
The first robot he made was very small and rolled around on three wheels. It
was shaped like a little cup and had a small computer screen that you could
read what it said on, but it didn't say very much stuff. You could set it up
to beep for a very long time -- for two days or a year. It ran on batteries
and the batteries ran down after about half an hour. The brain ran on its own
batteries, and the other parts ran on a different kind of batteries. The
batteries were the same kinds, but one kind of battery had to control more than
the other.
That first robot didn't do very much for him; he thought that robot was too
stupid. He decided to save it and make it part of the last robot he ever makes
-- the biggest and the smartest. But first he decided to make a small robot
that was smarter: as small as a germ and as smart as a human. The very small
robot disappeared -- he didn't see it for a long time after that. He didn't
know where it was because he couldn't see it. It was talking to the other
germs; the other germs thought it was a germ, but it was really a robot. The
robot ate the germs and that's why it was a very useful little robot -- it kept
people from getting sick. It could see when someone was about to get sick and
it would kill the germ. It could even go inside of people, and see the germs
that were inside of people.
Next he made a robot that was able to have babies. That way he wouldn't have
to make so many robots himself; some of the robots could make other robots. He
made a robot that destroyed fire, so no fire would ever come back. There were
only fires for cooking on, on grills; but if a fire spilled out and burned a
tree, it would be destroyed and would never be allowed to go back there.
Sometimes the little baby robots were a little different from their mommy ones
or their daddy ones. Sometimes the babies were smarter than their parents;
they might know that some things can be useful for some stuff, and might not be
useful for other stuff, and their moms and dads might not know that. The baby
robots could have other robots when they were still babies, and their babies
were even smaller babies. And the even smaller babies would have even smaller
babies, until they were so small until they were smaller than germs -- smaller
than the smallest kind of germs -- smaller than anything that was alive in all
of outer space -- smaller than one speck of fire that you can't even see.
He made a robot man and a robot woman, and the robot man made a robot woman
pregnant, and the babies had another baby, and they kept having another and
another and another baby until they were as small as the smallest thing in
universe. Then he decided he wanted to be that small, so he made a robot that
knew how to shrink him that small.
And then he was as small as the smallest robot he had made. He could see
things that were very big -- people looked huge to him. He figured out a way
to make even smaller robots, and he figured out a way to make himself even
smaller. And then he figured out a way to make even smaller robots, and to
make himself as small as them. Eventually he gets so small that he can barely
even see the big robots. The sun looked really really big to him. Then he
decided to make many robots that small.
But these robots were very troublesome. They thought there was only one woman
they could marry; they all wanted to marry the same woman. They were so
troublesome fighting about this woman all the time that he decided he would
have to kill them. But he didn't want to kill them, because he had spent a
lot of time making them. What he did was to make even littler robots to go
into their brains and fix their brains so that they wouldn't fight over the
woman anymore.
One day they found some very small black holes that led into other universes.
The black holes were so small that only the tiniest robots and the Silly
Scientist could fit into them. They found a universe that had a good planet in
it, a very good planet, but there was a war on the planet; the robots were
fighting against humans. There were two humans and 106 robots, and the robots
killed all the humans. The robots on the planet saw the Silly Scientist and
saw that he was very, very small and they wanted to kill him, but his robot
friends said "No, don't kill him," and they had a war. All the robots got
killed in the war, but the scientist survived.
He went back to his own universe, made himself bigger and decided to be a
regular person. He was very old by now, so he decided to just stay home and
relax all the time, and watch TV, and play a little bit with toys -- drawing,
playing with toy cars, and stuff. And then one day he died: one of the robots
he had made before, with a gun, came up and killed him. And then one of the
cops came up and shot that robots, and then someone killed the cops. A
professor -- another silly scientist!
The new Silly Scientist was way, way smarter; he took the old one's laboratory
and started doing his own experiments. He was smarter about making big robots,
but the other one was smarter about making small robots and war robots. He
made big robots that were smarter than humans.
Gwen was very pregnant, and one day she felt cramps inside her, that told her
it was time to have her baby.
She called the midwife, who came to the house, and then she lay down on the
bed and waited for the baby to come.
She was screaming and yelling and moving around, and then the baby came out.
It was a boy baby, very cute. It was named Zockelowd (Ben, Zar and Zeb thought
Zockelowd was the best name; Gwen thought Sebayowd was the best name; and we
named it the name that the most people liked).
Gwen held the baby in her arms and gave it a nurse. But then she felt
something strange. Another baby was coming out! She screamed and yelled
again, and pushed very hard and something came out. But the midwife was
amazed. What came out this time was not a whole baby! It was just a head.
At first they thought the rest of the baby was stuck inside. But then the saw
that the head was a special kind of head. It was closed off at the bottom,
below the neck. If you touched its neck, you could feel a heartbeat.
They took the head to the hospital right away. The doctors looked at it, and
did some X-rays. They were astounded. The head had all the parts that a body
needs, all packed into its neck. A little heart, two little lungs, a little
stomach, and even a little hole so it could pee and poop.
They took the head home, and decided to name it Head.
Head grew older and they found out that he was very smart. He couldn't run
around and play like other children, so he spent a lot of time thinking. He
spent almost all his time thinking, sleeping and dreaming.
When he got to be school age, he went to school with the other children. Some
engineers at the university build him a special car machine he could roll
around on. It also had special feet for walking over rough ground. When it
came to rough ground, it took in the wheels and put out the feet. Head
controlled the little machine by blinking his eyes and moving his tongue.
Sometimes, when he got older, the kids at school would pick on him. They
would laugh at him, and take him out of his car machine and roll him around
like a football. Then he would try to bite them. His big brothers Zar and Zeb
would come and beat up the boys who were bothering him.
When Head got even older, he became a very smart scientist. He decided to
build a spaceship. He also built a lot of robot heads, which rolled around in
little robot cars and kept him company. He wanted to take them in the
spaceship with him.
After a year and a month, he finished the spaceship and they blasted off into
outer space. They went very, very far from their planet, until they went out
of the universe and into another universe.
The first star they found in the other universe had a planet with people on
it. But the people weren't whole -- they were only heads. Head and his robots
were very happy on this planet. They looked around, and couldn't find a single
person with a body. Everything on the planet was made for heads. There were
little tiny cars everywhere for the heads to drive, and the cars had little
elevators to lift the heads up into their seats. The houses were very small,
so that a person who had a body couldn't even have fit into one of them.
Head had a very good time there, but after a while he decided it was time to
back to Earth. He asked the head people from the other planet if any of them
wanted to come back with him. Five of them did -- the smartest ones on the
planet. They wanted to see what the people on Earth looked like, and see if it
might be worth it to get bodies themselves.
So they got in the spaceship and zoomed back to Earth. The head people
thought bodies were very, very funny looking. They thought Earth was
interesting, but they decided to go back to their own planet. Head stayed on
Earth, and lived with his family.
Everything went along fine for several years. But then Head started growing
bigger and bigger. No one could understand why. He just grew and grew, and by
the time he was thirty years old, he was six feet tall. By thirty-three, he
was as big as a house, and no one knew how to build a special car machine
strong enough to carry him around.
He spent a lot of time sailing around the ocean in a special boat he made.
His family was in the bottom of the boat, and he was in the top.
His mouth was so big, that if he yelled, it would shake the whole world.
But by the time he was thirty-five, he was almost as big as the moon. There
was no longer any room for him on the Earth. He was a whole planet! He had to
start eating meteors and asteroids, because there wasn't any other food for
him.
Zar and Zeb and Gwen and Ben and Zockelowd missed Head, so they decided to go
live on him. A lot of other people decided to follow them. It was a good
place to live, unless you got near the mouth -- then you could get swallowed.
Or near his nose, because when he sneezed, it felt just like a volcano
erupting.
A fun game was to sit on his upper lip and get blown across onto his chin by
the air coming out of his nose.
But after a couple more years, he started to grow even more, in a different
way. He started to grow a body and some wings. Each wing was as big as the
USSR. His legs were almost long enough to make a bridge from Earth to Mars.
Finally he told his family and all the other people on him to to back to
Earth. And he flapped his giant wings and flew away.
No on Earth saw him for forty-seven years after that. But then, when Zar and
Zeb were all grown up, and Ben and Gwen were very old, he came back. He told
them wonderful stories about all the different universes he'd visited.
And he gave Zar and Zeb magic suns, that they could carry in their pockets,
that would help them travel to other universes. He gave Zar two, and Zeb one.
The magic suns could get them anything they wanted -- two million chocolate
bars, or even a universe inside their pocket.
Head made himself as small as a child. But then he was much smaller than Zar
and Zeb. So he told Zar and Zeb to make themselves children again too -- and
to never grow up.
But even though Head was as small as a child, he was always the smartest
person in our family.
The Beginning of Zar Wars
Typed by Zar Goertzel, November 1997
(some help from Ben on spelling)
I love you Ben, Gwen, Zeb, Zade and Zar . Let's play
hide and seek . I love you . The story is gonna start
now . The story is Zar Wars.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day Zar and Zeb were Jedi Master Gods. Then
Luke found Zar and Zeb. Zar said we are good
Jedi Master Gods we are going to kill the
emperor.
chapter 1
Go to kill the emperor
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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zar and zeb and luke flew to the death star.
Zar told the emperor that we are Jedis and we
have caught luke so let us in. Are you on the
dark side of the force, asked the Emperor. Yes, they
said with the force so the emperor let them in.
It's in room 142869. zar and zeb went to the emperor
and electrocuted him. zar and zeb used the force to
break the metal and luke ran away and saw vader.
Luke moved his light saber left and vader moved his
light saber right
chapter 2
go to middle earth
========================================================================================================================================================
===============================================================================================================================================================================================================================================
Jan followed a star destroyer to middle earth and
landed. Then a elf shot an arrow at a rebel and
he died. Then han killed a elf.
The Love of the Dinosaurs and Darth Vader
Cookie Monster's Lovely Plankton
The Very Silly Scientist
September 1996
The Silly Scientist Comes Back
September 1996
Chapter 2
The Silly Scientist Builds 960 Robots
The Story of Head