Zar Goertzel





Chapter One




Poop poop poop.  Zar is dreaming about pooping in the ocean in a shark’s mouth, when he really is pooping.  He is sleeping, and dreaming about pooping in an ocean in a shark’s mouth, while he’s in Teleportopia..


Then, he falls asleep in his dream.  Then in that dream, he dreams he’s pooping in a shark’s mouth in the ocean.


Then he dreams he’s pooping in a shark’s mouth in the ocean.


Then he falls asleep, in that dream.


And again, Zar is dreaming about pooping in the ocean in a shark’s mouth, when he really is pooping.  He is sleeping, and dreaming about pooping in an ocean in a shark’s mouth, while he’s in Teleportopia..


Then, he falls asleep in his dream.  Then in that dream, he dreams he’s pooping in a shark’s mouth in the ocean.


Then he dreams he’s pooping in a shark’s mouth in the ocean.


And then he says “Man!!”


And then he woke up in one dream.  Then he woke up in all the dreams except for one, and said “Ah!  I finally woke up from my dreams.”


Then he walks around and says “Where am I?”  


He sees an owl who says “You are in Teleportopia, a very dangerous place.  You should get out of here as soon as you can.”


Zar said “Yeah?  I’m invincible!”


The owl swooped down to peck him.  Zar just stood there.  The owl bounced off something before it hit him.  It didn’t see anything, it just smashed into rock.


Then the owl said, “You are strong.  But you are no match for the Teleportopians.” 


Zar ran to a teleporter, then to another, then to another – he kept doing that fifty billion times, then he spent fifty billion years doing that, then two hundred billion years more.  


Then the owl said “Hoo hoo!  Hoo hoo!  Hoo hoo!  Hoo hoo, hoo hoo, hoo hoo.  You are very stupid, Zar!  I was watching you run back in circles over and over again from teleporter to teleporter.  You know, that teleporter to the right goes right to that teleporter to the left, and then the one on the left goes right back to the right, and you’ve just been going back and forth the whole time.   I have grown old.”


Then, the owl went to sleep.   While he was sleeping, he fell on the ground near another teleporter.  Zar ran to the teleporter.  There was a big sign there that said “Teleportopia.  Welcome to Teleportopia.”  And the sign was so big, it was over fifty billion miles long.


And he said to himself, “How come I never noticed that before?  And there are smaller words saying the same thing, all over the sign!  I should have noticed that!  Duh!” 


Then he said, “But … from many miles away, one or more, it would look like normal sized writing.  That’s why.”


Then he went through the teleporter.  And something said “I am a Teleportopian!  I will kill you!”  


The Teleportopian spun its head around in circles a googolplexplex times per nanosecond, shooting fireballs all over.


Then Zar said “Heh!  I’m invincible!”   He ran up to shoot it with his gun, but the lasers just bounced off its head.


The Teleportopian said “See!  You’re not invincible!” and it ran up to butt Zar with its head, but it just bounced off into the rock.


And Zar said, “I really am invincible.  Just try me.  Try me.”


“All right, I’ll try you.”


And he shot a big beam and knocked Zar flying head first into the wall, almost killing him.  And then the Teleportopian said, “I proved it, Mister Ugly.”


Then, a googolplexplexplexplexplex monkeys  ran up and said “Hi, King Zar!  We will help you kill him!’


Then the Teleportopian said, “You have have one googolplexplex’th of a chance of beating me, even with that army of monkeys.”


The monkeys said “No, we are Teleportopians!”


Then Mister Mean, the Teleportopian, said “You still have one googolplexplex’th chance of beating me,” and licked fifty billion of the monkeys, and they all died.


But fifty billion more came back from the dead, and said “You are stupid!”  They started jumping all over him, even though they can’t hurt him.   Meanwhile, Zar shot him twenty times.  It took him fifty billion years to do that – he’s very hard to shoot.


Then the Teleportopian turned into a ghost and said “You haven’t beat me yet!”  And he teleported away.   He went to a billion teleporters faster than anyone could possibly go.  


Then a little boy named Zara, who was really a Teleportopian, said, “I’ll tell you.  There’s one thing faster that’s possible that I know of.  Tyranno.  He will ram you or bite you in a googolplexplexplex’th of a nanosecond.  So do you want to come fight him?  I like how good you were against them.  You should come..”


In 79 years they got to Tyranno.  Then he said “We’re not really to Tyranno  Follow me.”  This is the order they went after that: right, right, right, left, right, forward, forward, forward, back, left, left, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right.  Then he said “Now one more step.  Forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards.”



Chapter Two

Tyranno: the Beast




Zar and Zara climbed up a giant mountain.  They saw Tyranno running through a maze with a billion pounds of meat.  In a couple seconds, he was through. 


Zara said “See, that’s the beast Tyranno.” 


Then a little flea crawled up and pushed Zara its hardest, and Zara went flying 60,000 miles into the ground, super-fast, from the little tiny flea.  But then the flea pushed Zar up in the air very hard.  Zar shot the flea.  The end of Mr. Flea-flea.


Then Zar walked down the cliff, even though it was straight down.  He walked straight down.  Zara was almost dead, and he said “You’re in a dream, did you ever know that?  You can get here without dreaming.  But you can only get here by dreaming once.  And that’s why you’re so powerful, because you got here from dreaming.”



Then Zar jumped up in the air, flew fifty billion miles up in the air, picked up a sun and threw it back up in the air.  He said, “Ha!  I’m all right now!”  Then they went running through the maze.  It took them a billion hours, and when they got out they were on a super-high cliff.  They saw Tyranno.  It looked like he was fifty billion miles away.


Zar said, “It’s like for each hour we took in the maze, he went a mile.  It looks like he was going slow, because he knew it was going to take us exactly that long to get to the maze.”


Then Zara said, “I’ll teleport both of us very very close to Tyranno.”  Then Zara did it – teleported them both super close using the teleporter that Zara had hidden when he was a little kid.  Then they saw Tyranno kill something over fifty billion times as big as him, in less than a second.  (When attacking, he can move over a googolplexplexplex times per nanosecond.)  


Zara said, “Did you ever know, we look just the same.”


Zar said “No, I didn’t.”


Zara said, “Then hit the freakin’ road and piss up a rope.”


Then Zar said, “I never did that, did you?”


Zara said, “Hey look.  Tyranno over there!  He just hit the freakin’ road with his hand and pissed up a rope!”


Then Zar said, “No, I didn’t.  So why don’t you go hit the freakin’ Tyranno and piss up his nostrils?”


And then Zara said, “Let’s just leave this place.”


Then while they started to leave, Zara tripped over a piece of wood and went flying through the air really fast.  Tyranno saw Zara, and jumped and bit Zara’s head off, killing Zara.  In less than a second, Zara was gone.  Nothing left.


Then Zar went to sleep.  And he woke up from his whole dream, altogether.  He thought, “Whoa!  I didn’t even know that was a dream!  I thought that was real life…”


But, Zar was lucky he did wake up from the dream, because if he hadn’t, Zara’s family would have killed Zar.  Zara’s family went all over looking for the person that had killed Zara, but they said “I guess it was Tyranno – that beast!” and went back home.


Then Zar looked at the time.  He saw it was noon, the middle of the day.  He’d slept through half of school.  He opened the door.  And Zeb ran into the room and said, “Hey Zar!  Guess what!  I just had a dream, I just woke up now – it was about someone in Teleportopia.  And I was with someone named Zebba!  But that mean Tyranno – he’s like a beast – he killed my friend Zebba.”   Zeb started crying.


Then Zade ran into the room, and said “Hey Zar!  I just woke up.  I had a dream.  About Teleportopia.  There was this big owl that scared me, and got really old while I was running back and forth.  And I had really strong good powers.  And I had a friend, Zada.  Yeah, but that evil beast Tyranno killed her.”


Then Zar said, “I had a dream about Teleportopia.  I had a friend named Zara.  But that beast Tyranno killed him.”


Zeb said, “You guys are just making it up!”


Zade said, “No, you guys are just making it up!”


Zar said, “Everyone but me is making it up!”


Then Aragorn the dog said to himself, “There are no other dogs here to talk to, but I’ll tell myself: I had a dream about Teleportopia, and my friend dog Aragorna was killed by Tyranno.”  He cried to himself.


Gwen and Ben said to each other, “You know what?  I had a dream about Teleportopia.  I had a friend, whose name was the same as my name except it had an ‘a’ at the end.  But my friend was killed by Tyranno.  That beast!”


Then the hamsters said to each other: “We had a dream about Teleportopia.  My friend, whose name was the same as my name except it had an ‘a’ at the end.  But my friend was killed by Tyranno.  That beast!”


Then the turtle said to himself, “I have no friends, but I had a dream about Teleportopia, and I had a friend named Wartortla, because that’s my name, except without the ‘a’.  But Tyranno killed him.  I’m sooo saddd.  And we looked just the same.”


Then the cats said, “That dream about Teleportopia was wild.  And that Tyranno – he was

awesome!  I wish we were just as good at fighting as him.  It would be awesome.  Tyranno – he’s my friend.  We had fun playing with Tyranno.  Because, Tyranno saw us while we were fighting together, so he decided to be nice to us.  Isn’t that so cool??!”



Chapter Three

Back to School



Zeb was crying all day, through school. 


Then next day, Zar had this dream about a strange voice that kept saying “Go to Mount TT, go to Mount TT.  There is a way to find Teleportopia.  Go to Mount TT, go to Mount TT.”


Then Zar said “I have to go to Mount TT.”


But Ben said, “I have to go to school.  Oh yeah, vacation time is in two years.”


Zar said, “Can we go to vacation on Mount TT?”


Ben said, “OK.  We’ll go to Mount TT for vacation.”


Then Zar said to himself, “And while you’re in Teleportopia, it’s like you’re spending exactly no time at all here.  Then I’ll have all the time I want in Teleportopia to do everything I want there.  That’ll be so cool!”


Then Ben said, “Stop daydreaming.  We’re already 25 minutes late for school, and we didn’t even leave.”  Ben went into Zeb’s room while Zeb was still crying, and Gwen went into Zade’s room and picked up Zade because she was still crying, and one hamster picked up the other because it was still crying, and Aragorn picked up Fluffball because she was still crying, and Zar picked up himself because he was still crying.   Then Zar thought to himself: “I’m not still crying.  And I didn’t pick up myself.”


Everyone walked out the door except for Zar.  And then Ben walked back in and said, “Everyone already buckled, you’ve got to hurry up!  Now we’re already 45 minutes late.”


By the time they got to school it was already pack-up time.  That was the best day of school they ever had!  But there’s one problem: it’s better to go to school than to stay home all day and daydream.


On the next day, there was a strange person at school, in Zar’s classroom.  He said, “I have to find a place to hide – everyone’s chasing me.  I’m a strange scientist.”


Zar said “Why don’t you hide down in the basement.”  So the  man did.


The work at school that day was: “This is the easiest work possible in the universe.  Twenty billion times a googolplex times five plus five minus eighty million billion trillion.”


And everyone said, “That’s impossible, you expect us to do that.”


The teacher said, “You have ten seconds left.”


Zar said “The answer is 55.”  And that was all the work for the day.


And the strange man said, “I know a way to get to the future.  Get in my time machine.  It will bring you to the future.  But the future you will not be there.  It will be the same you.  Your mind will just be put in that body.  But you’ll know everything that you does.”


Zar got in the time machine, but no one else did.  The man was still there in the future.   Zar had a machine gun in his hand, and said “One day till vacation time!”  He shot the strange scientist.  Zar knew that this man was planning to destroy the whole entire planet in eight years from when he’d been living before, and six years from now, when he was in the future.


Then Zar went to school.  The teacher said, “This is the hardest problem in the universe: One plus one.”


Zar said “Two.”


The teacher said, “Very good.  You must be a supergenius!  That’s the end of school.”


Zar went home and said, “Ben.  Next day is vacation day.”



Chapter Four

Mount TT



Mount TT was shaped like a Titty.   It was a volcano that spurted out milk.  Babies came from all around to drink from it.  But after they drank from it, they blew up to 1000 times their normal size, and began growling like lions. 


Poops were flying all over.  Then Ben said “Hey Zar, isn’t this a cool site?  At least when we’re down here, no poops will hit us.”


Then a poop came flying down and hit Ben’s face and knocked him down.


Then Ben said, “Let’s go up to that cliff.  It’s not on Mount TT, but no poops will hit us there.  We’ll camp there overnight.”


While they were climbing up to the top of the cliff, Zar saw a little cave.  He crawled in, lit a match and started a fire with some wood and then went to bed in his sleeping bag.   No one else but Zar found it, because he was bored and looking around  and saw it.   He told Ben he was going to go around and look, but Ben didn’t heard. 


Then, in the tent that night, Ben woke up.  He saw 50,000 poops all over the tent.  


Then their tent fell down off the cliff and fell down into the cave that Zar was in.


Zar said, “How did you guys get here?”


Ben said, “We had a big fall.”


Zar said, “How come you didn’t notice me?  I was just taking a little sleep.  And, I see you were wrong about all those poopies.”


Five hours later, Ben got back with all the others and Zeb.  “I had to carry them back,” he said.


Then Zar ran to the back of the cave with a lamp and flashlight and said, “I found a little stream back there; I want to know what it’s like.”  


He saw all these little fishies swimming around him.  And then, he saw himself moving at five billion miles an hour – but not really.  When he stopped moving he found himself in a place covered with all this grass. 


Zar said, “Where am I?”


A frog hopped up from behind a tree.  It said, “You’re in Mount Titty.  Oh sorry, I mean TT.”


“What’s that big bottle of milk?” asked Zar.


Another frog hopped up from behind another tree and said “That’s the thing that makes it so the milk doesn’t pour all over and kill all of us.  But we’re almost done making a second place for the milk to stay without us having to keep it in a bottle.  And we’ll make another glass tube out from the top to squirt some of the milk out.  And we can control it when we’re running out of milk to drink in this little pond, to put some milk in the pond instead.  It’s really a system that we’ve been working out for years; we’re almost done.   You’re in the cavern of Mount TT.  You got in the only way possible, except from Teleportopia.  And there’s only one way from Teleportopia to get in.  Every 10,000 years, the fishies come out for the rest of the year, and if anyone sits in the water any time during that year, there’ll be taken here -- that’s how you get in from the Mount TT range.  Mount TT is 20 billion times bigger than the other mountains here.  I cannot tell you the way to get in from Teleportopia – I do not know.  You were lucky – the year was almost up.  And most of the visitors that come here die, before any others come.  So we usually only have one visitor at a time.  But if you want to go into Teleportopia, you could find a way to become invincible and live forever.  And once someone becomes invincible and lives forever, then anyone will be able to come in if they sit in that water – once every year someone could come in.  And a group of people could come in at one time.”


Then, Zar went to sleep. 


On the next day, he woke up and heard screaming and yelling all over.  There were billions of frogs screaming and yelling: “Now we’ve made our machine!   We’ll have all the milk we want to drink and eat, and milk sprays out better than ever!!”

Chapter 5

Fun in Mount TT Cavern




Then Zar said, “You know what?  Some people call me by this name: the Crazy Scientist.  I got this name while I was in Teleportopia, in my dream.”


The frog said “Oooh, the crazy scientist.  Hi Crazy Scientist, Mr. Dude.  You must be one of those Crazy Stuff Dudes that the Crazy Scientist made.”


Then the frogs said, “Actually, you’re in Teleportopia.” 


And Zar said, “I am in Teleportopia?  Yeah!!  Yayy!  I finally got back to Teleportopia!”


The frog said, “But, it’s not that easy to get you.  You’ll probably want to get out really soon.”


Then they heard a huge stomping noise.  They saw blood flying from a little tunnel, and there was a dinosaur-like creature.  It looked so awesome with its giant teeth.  Then Zar said, “Wait a minute – isn’t that Tyranno.  But I killed him.  And that over there, that’s Mr. Flea-flea.  But I killed him.”


Mr. Flea-flea said, “Yeah, but for me to be dead, you have to kill Tyranno, then me.  So tough luck, Booty!”  And he spit his tongue out and ten of the frogs died.


And the frog king said, “Now you know why we want to get out.”


Then a giant jellyfish whooshed out and said “Ha ha ha, you thought you could kill Tyranno, but right before you got your milk cannon, I jumped out in front of you and said ‘Ha ha ha, you thought you could kill Tyranno’.”


Then Zar said, “Didn’t you notice me?  I got their milk cannon, and killed the giant jellyfish?”


Mr. Flea-flea was crying so loud, fifteen more of the frogs died.  Then they shot the milk cannon at Tyranno, and Tyranno yelled with a giant roar, and 2000 of the frogs died.  Then Tyranno and Mr. Flea-flea left. 


The frogs said, “Now we will tell you how to get into the other part of Teleportopia from here.”  They showed him to a tunnel.  “But it’s not safe yet.  We have to wait 25 months from when Tyranno leaves.  Otherwise whomever goes through will get killed by Tyranno.”



Chapter 6

The Noise



Then all of a sudden, everyone heard two fast screams.  Then Zar made a sound machine.  It makes it so you can hear sounds many  many miles away, easily.


They listened.  They heard crying.  24 hours later, they heard bouncing. 


Three days later, they heard skipping.


Then, five days later, they heard running.


Then, seven days later, they heard rolling.


Two hours later, they still heard rolling.


Ten days later, they still heard rolling.


Then they saw two black and blue chickens walk out of the little tunnel, squawking “Tyranno killed someone!  Tyranno killed someone!  Tyranno killed someone!”


They listened on the sound machine again, and they still heard rolling – that was ten days later.


Then the chicken said, “I don’t know what that rolling is, but it sure is going on a long time.  While we were coming here we heard bouncing, skipping, running and rolling – and crying, and those two fast screams.  It was scary.  We thought Tyranno was chasing us. “


Then, they saw something else coming out.  It was Curious Fig Newton!  But he was rolling down the path when he came out.  He said, “Hi everybody.  I’m sorry but Dock’s crying because his friend was killed by Tyranno.  And he was bit.  He’s rolling around slowly while crying.”


Then the Silly Scientist popped his head out of the hole and said, “Huh?  Someone’s crying?”


Then the Red Beam came to hit his hole, and shot two nuclear missiles at it.  He shot two more nuclear missiles.  Then the Red Beam fell into the Silly Scientist’s hand into a little glass ball.  He said, “I finally caught that Red Beam!”


Then the Red Beam got out of his ball and went out of his hole.  It shot 24 missiles and dropped an atom bomb on him, and then fell into his hand into another glass ball.


Then, a strange hole opened, and two billion cheetahs fell out and said “Hey, we got to a new universe out of Universe Infinity!  That was hard!  We brought one of those brick creatures with us.”


The brick creatures started stomping on the frogs and turned them into more brick creatures.


The Silly Scientist said, “Hey.  I’ve built a city just for brick creatures.  I’ll send billions of ants in there every day.  Enjoy!  I can observe you and study you every day.”


All the brick creatures went in there, while hopping on other things.


Then King Frog said, “More things than usual are happening around here.  What’s going on?  Everything seems to be coming here out of Teleportopia.”


Then two little puppy dogs came out of Teleportopia.




Chapter 7

Welcome Back, Dock



Then Zar made a new invention called an ice gun machine.  It shot frozen milk. 


Then the puppy dog was just barking along, “Woof woof woof, woof woof wook!” 


But then, all of a sudden, the puppy dogs started eating frogs.  The frogs used the milk gun. 


Then the puppy dogs said “Ah, mama milk gun!” and drank all the milk.  And they grew up to ten times their size. 


Then Zar said, “I’ll try my ice gun.”  He shot it.  But when you shoot it, it looks like normal milk.


The puppies said “Ah, mama, mama, and drank all the frozen milk.”  But then, the puppies’ whole stomachs were frozen with ice, and they turned into fossils.


Then the Silly Scientist came up with a chamber and put it around the two puppy dogs, which would keep them frozen like a fossil forever. 


Then Zar said, “I have an idea.  Maybe someone, like Mr. Mean, is sending everyone here to attack us, because they don’t like us.”


Then a lot of the frogs said, “But that would be mean of them.  Then we don’t like him either.”


But Zar said, “But his name is Mr. Mean.  Don’t you think he should be mean?”


King Frog said, “I know.  Mr. Mean is in charge of Tyranno and Mr. Flea-flea.  He’s the meanest thing in the universe.  Maybe he’s the one that sent everything here.”


Then the cheetahs said, “Maybe that’s what those evil things were doing in Universe Infinity.  There are two connections to Universe Infinity from Teleportopia.  They probably came from the other one.”


Then Dock walked up with a little birdie.  Zar froze the birdie by mistake.  It was dead.


Then Dock said, “I’m back!”


All the frogs said, “King Dock!  Welcome back!  King Dock!”


Then Zar just made something.  It was called University Infinity.  There’s only one teacher: Zar.  Some of the cheetahs went there.  He taught them how to make ice guns, automatic little robots that could kill almost everyone here, missile packs that you could put in your arm to get infinite missiles. 


Then, out of the little ball that the Red Beam was in, the legend teller jumped out and said “Why did you keep me trapped in there for so long, you Silly Scientist?” and clopped him on the head.


Then the legend teller, with his brother, the future teller, said together “We tell the best stories together!  We mix the future and my legends together to make perfect stories.  Who wants to listen to our story magic?  If you listen carefully, you may find out what the future’s going to be at certain times.  So listen carefully.  It starts at ten, next day.  If you want to know what’s going to happen, come here then.  It’s called the University Infinity Show!  No, it’s actually called the Legend Teller and Future Teller Shop.  Remember, come at ten, next day.”



Chapter 8

Jack Ass Penguins




When everyone came to the Legend Teller and Future Teller Shop, they said “First, we’re going to give you a little show, so you can see what our pets can do.” 


Then he brought out some Jack Ass Penguins and put them in the cold.  They spit out fire and melted the ice, out of their ass. 

Then a tiger jumped out.  A Jack Ass Penguin flew up and smashed its head into the tiger, smashing its tiger in half.  The cheetahs roared and yelled at the Jack Ass Penguins, for killing the tiger. 


Then they brought out the Mighty Cheetah Warrior.  A Jack Ass Penguin tried to slam its head into the Mighty Cheetah Warrior.  Its head just bounced off its big belly.  And the cheetahs were clapping and clapping.


Then another Jack Ass Penguin shot a particle beam at the Mighty Cheetah, and it was burnt up black, like an overcooked piece of meat.  Its teeth were burnt black like bones. 


And the Jack Ass Penguins clapped.  And a huge blizzard went all around the stadium, and it was covered with ice and snow, twenty feet wide.  And no one who was watching was covered.  They spit fire out of their asses again, to melt all the ice. 


And two billion of the cheetahs that were sitting there said, “You killed that mighty little cheetah!”   They came charging out of the stadium to attack them. 


And then the Jack Ass Penguins said, “Invisible wall!” and waved their flippers in front of them, and the cheetahs smashed into an invisible wall.  And then they shot burning flames out of their mouth, but the burning flames just bounced off the invisible wall and hit them.  


Then the Jack Ass Penguins said, “Lightning dance!” and they crawled around on their feet, sticking their flippers up with yellow lights up to the sky, and giant beams of electricity came down, zapping the cheetahs until they were almost dead. 


And then they said, “Will you be nice to us now?  And will you let us do the show?  They’re not really dead.  All the others we tried to kill aren’t really dead.  Right before they were all the way dead, a copy was stuck down there and they were sent back to the place they lived.  Okay?”


The cheetahs that were beaten up said, “Okay, we won’t attack.”


Then a little baby Jack Ass Penguin said, “I’m the strongest one.  Healing wind,” he said, and twonked his finger, and all the cheetahs were perfect, like they weren’t hurt at all.


And everyone else clapped, saying “Cool, you mean you can heal someone even if they’re dead, you can heal them?”


“Yup.  If you kill someone we can always bring them back…. But do you want to see our most amazing power of all?”  They stood in a circle around the center of the stadium.  They stood still and said, all together, “Jack Ass Power!”  And then a giant Jack Ass Penguin appeared in the middle and said, “What did you bring me for?


“We want you to show us your amazing powers.”

Then they said, “Jack Ass Powers a.”, and there was a giant building, which seemed strong.  All the Jack Ass Penguins except the strongest one tried attacking it with their best attacks, but they couldn’t even hurt it at all.  Neither could anyone from the audience.  But the giant Jack Ass Penguin just touched it, super-softly, and it exploded and blew up.  It seemed like it could have killed Tyranno with one hit.  All the other Jack Ass Penguins said, “Jack Ass Powers.”  And then the giant Jack Ass Penguin was gone.  All the little ones went back to their cages, and the Legend and Future Teller said, “did you like our first little show?”


Everyone said yes.




Chapter 9

What Happens When You Make a Jack Ass Penguin Cry



The legend teller said, “We need someone to volunteer.”  Then, he closed his eyes and pointed, and said “Ha!  Hey you!  Come up.  You are the chosen one.” 


He whispered in Zar’s ear, “Are you good at playing Starcraft?”


Zar said, “Yeah, I’m good at playing Starcraft: Light War.  It’s the newest Starcraft game, Light War.”


Then he said, “OK.  We’re having a tournament for this next show.  Will you be the lead boss that everyone has to fight, to try to beat you for the show?”


Zar said, “Yeah, I will.”


The future teller said, “Your first opponent will be, the Jack Ass Penguins.” 


They all got on their little computers and said, “All right, computer!  Let’s start the battle.”  They made two little Zerglings appear, who started charging toward Zar’s buildings.


Zar made a Goliath.  The Goliath destroyed all the little Zerglings without getting hurt at all.


Then Zar made nine more Goliaths. 


Then they made altogether five Marinees.  The five little Marinees were blasting the Goliaths to pieces.


Then Zar made up a two hundred and fifty-five billionth.   And it destroyed the Marinees. 


Then they, with their buildings, made a Goli-iath.  But those were still no match for the 255 billionth.   And the 255 billionth also destroyed the Goli-iath. 


Then, he made two more 255 billionths, and together they destroyed the Jack Ass Penguin’s buildings.  And then they jumped up and started crying so loud that a thunderstorm started.  And little sad faces started flying through the air going “Whoo hoo hoo hoo hoo, whoo hoo hoo hoo hoo.”  And the raindrops started screaming “Ee ayyy ohhh, eee aiiyy ohhh.”


Then all the Jack Ass Penguins farted giant farts, and little dik-diks came out of their farts, and they shot off their dicks, and the dicks went flying and destroyed the 255 billionths.


And Zar thought, “What are the Jack Ass Penguins doing?”


With the buildings that Zar had, he started making many coppers.  The coppers were no match for those dik-diks.  And then, the dik-diks peed so hard that it made a giant gust of wind flow by.  But then, inside of the wind, there was a little teeny tiny dik-dik, but his two dicks were so giant that when he peed out of that dick, it blasted each of those little coppers of Zar’s dead.  Then he used his bigger dick to shoot an even bigger blast, and that destroyed 255 of the coppers.


The Jack Ass Penguins said, “See, you made us a little bit sad,” and started crying a little bit harder.


Then Zar said to himself, “I guess this is what happens when Jack Ass Penguins cry.”


Then the Jack Ass Penguins said, “No, this is what happens when Jack Ass Penguins get a little bit mad.  You want to see what happens when Jack Ass Penguins cry? “  They started crying so loud and so hard that they couldn’t see anything.


In five seconds, a whole army of little ants appeared.  But they weren’t normal ants.  No matter how many of Zar’s little buildings, and what the little buildings, they couldn’t destroy one little ant.  Then soon the ants destroyed all of Zar’s little buildings.


Then the Jack Ass Penguins said, “Boo hoo, but we didn’t lose.”





Chapter 10

The Next Battle



Then all of a sudden someone says “Your next opponent will be Smarto.” 


And right at that time, Smarto just gobbled 260 billion Smart-tarts.  And he said, “Ha!  You’ll never beat me, you’ll never beat me, you’ll never beat me.”


Then, Zar said “Maybe I’ll have feed him some Stupid-tarts” to himself.   Then he saw the battle.  He ran off.


But Smarto was so smart, he knew what Zar was going to do.  He jumped up in the air and bashed Zar on the head. 


Some wild Iggies were flying overhead, and they said “Ooh, look at that guy, that’s Smarto!  The other guy is Zar.  Let’s surprise Smarto and attack him!  That’ll give Zar a chance to give him his Stupid-tarts.”


Then all the Iggies swooped down and tried to attack him, and in the meantime, Zar tried to kick Smarto.  All of a sudden, Smarto knee-kicked Zar in the stomach and knocked all the Iggies down the ground.  Then, the Iggies shot up their Igi powers.  But Smarto just dodged them and smacked the Iggies again.  While they were smacking their Iggies, Zar ran up and knocked the Stupid-tarts into Smarto’s mouth.  He didn’t eat them, but they were sucked up Smarto’s nose.


Now Zar said, “How will I get those Stupid-tarts?”


Then right when the cheetahs were about to say “No fair, Iggies were helping,” Smarto tossed the Iggies up in the air.


Then, Zar said to himself, “Now I know a trick.”  And he said, “I eee ohh wuh.”


And little dik-diks appeared.   And Smarto said, “Oh, how cute,” and started petting them.


And they peed up his nose and the pee sucked out the Stupid-tarts and then the pee moved the Stupid-tarts all the way to Zar’s hand. 


Then Smarto was like “Huuh.  How did Zar get those Stupid-tarts back?   I’ll have to be extra careful. 


Then all of a sudden Smarto thought.  He looked up and saw the Iggies falling.  While they were falling, he punched them in the face and hypnotized them. 


Then he said, “Iggies, kill Zar!!”


The Iggies ran up using their Igi power.  Zar could barely dodge the Iggies.  The dik-diks tried their pee.  It was knocking the Iggies down for a while, but it couldn’t stop the hypnotism.  It couldn’t beat them.


Then, Zar head-butted each Igi, knocking them out of the hypnotism and killing them.


Smarto said, “You’ll still never get the Stupid-tarts in my mouth.”  And while he was saying that, Zar twonked all the Stupid-tarts right down his throat.  And he was going around saying “Ah bee dah ba dooh buh a beeh dah buhh dee ka doo bah yuh  a dee bah dooh” while sticking his tongue out straight while picking his nose with both his middle fingers while kicking his forehead with his feet, and wiggling his ears so hard and fast that they hit him in his head.  This went on for hours.  But after two hours and a couple minutes, he eventually knocked himself unconscious. 


And then everyone said “Zar’s the winner!”  After they said that, Zar had one more Smart-tart and he gave it back to Stupido.  Then Stupido’s name was changed back to Smarto, and he was changed back to Smarto. 


And then Zar said, “I guess those suits were useful, or else Smarto would have beaten me up easily.  The suits that we put on to protect ourselves were useful.”



Chapter 11

Stupid Buttholes from Hell


The future teller said, “Stupid buttholes from hell!  Come out come out wherever you are.  Come out from that little future!  Come out from that little future!”


And the stupid buttholes from hell came out, and said, “We’re the announcers called the stupid buttholes from hell.  We’re stupid people’s buttholes, and the stupid people live in hell.  And we are from the future.  We came here to announce this.  You will stand in a box for the last battle of the contest.  And you will get special powers that you didn’t normally have.  And whomever wins the contest gets to keep the powers.”


And the legend teller said, “In two hours, the last battle of the contest shall begin.”


And then the future teller sent the stupid buttholes from hell back to where they came from.




Chapter 12

The Last Battle of the Contest



Two hours later…


Zar and the Caca Scientist each got in their little boxes, and the legend teller said, “Let the contest begin.”


Then they appeared somewhere strange.  There were little blue lights all over.  Zar saw the Caca Scientist running into the blue things.  Zar ran into one of the red blood streams.


The red blood stream was going.  Then all of a sudden white stuff appeared behind him, and he went twenty times as fast.


Then he fell down into a pit of blue things.  He looked backwards, and he saw the other guy.  He looked pretty close.


So then Zar ran and ran.  He saw a little doorlike place in the blue, but he heard the Caca guy’s footprints coming very fast.  He realized that the Caca Scientist was much faster than him. 


He saw buttons.  One button that said up, the other said down.  Then he remembered something.  The legend teller had said, “If you ever  see anything that goes up or down, up means to go closer to the start, down means to go closer to the end.”


He said to himself, “I’ll push down.”   He pushed down.   Then he felt the thing he was in moving, down and around.


While it was moving he could see through it.  He saw the Caca Scientist running, but he realized that the thing he was in was much much much  much much faster than the Caca Scientist.  But then the thing he was in jerked up really really fast.  Then it jerked to the right really really fast.  Then it jerked to the left really really fast.  Then it jerked forward at two billion miles per hour for two seconds. 


Then he went down so fast, and then it dumped him into a pit of lava.  He looked back and he couldn’t see anyone.  Then he started swimming in the lava.  He found a current in the lava, and then he started swimming really really fast.  He splashed into something.  And the legend teller announced, “Slow down Zar.  Wait for the Caca Scientist.”


Then two minutes later, the Caca Scientist jumped down the waterfall.  Zar said to himself, “If I didn’t find that secret passage type thing, you would have been here days before me.” 


The Caca Scientist didn’t know Zar had used those tricks to win.



Chapter 13

Part Two of the Last Battle of the Contest



The legend teller said “Now step in the next little blue things to go to the next place, and you’ll end up near here.  When they went through, Zar found himself in a place like a desert.  He couldn’t see the Caca Scientist anywhere.  Then, the Caca Scientist found himself in a place with all this magma.  He couldn’t see Zar.  It’s like they both ended up in two different places.  It wasn’t like that last time.  They thought it was strange.


Then all of a sudden, they each started running, in opposite directions.  One ran left, the other ran right, and they ran for 2000 hours.  Then soon, Zar looked back, and he saw a strange passage back there that he hadn’t seen before.  And he saw the Caca Scientist running out of it. 


Then Zar saw some vines.  He jumped up to the vines and started swinging.  Then he noticed that he was going at least twice as fast as the Caca Scientist. 


The Caca Scientist saw a slide, and he slid down the slide.  Zar noticed that the Caca Scientist was going a little faster than him.  And he was mad.  But then, he saw a cliff in front him.  He jumped up, and then he saw the Caca Scientist going down the slide super-slowly until he landed on the cliff.  But then Zar ran down the other side of the cliff that he hadn’t come up from.  And he fell through a hole in the ground, and he was in a little room. 


He saw a face that said “You are in a little room.”


And then he thought to himself. “How did I get here?”


He started running through the water, and then the face said “Halt!  Stop!  No!  Run through  me; the Caca Scientist will be coming here.  That’s the long way.  If you don’t come through me soon, the Caca Scientist will see you. “


So Zar jumped through the face.  He looked like he was falling through a vortex.  There were colors all over him.  He suddenly saw a machine gun shooting down at him.  Whenever you got hit by a bullet, it made you go 10 times as fast.  He was moving down the vortex thing, making sure to get his by each bullet.


Meanwhile, the Caca Scientist was running and running to that little place near the face.  Then he fell through a lava pit, and he ended up at the top of the vortex that Zar was going in.  Now there was no way the Caca Scientist could win. 


Then the Caca Scientist started going so fast, he was catching up to Zar fast.  Zar saw the face in the side of the vortex and started running up to it.  It was whispering, “Go through me!  Go through me!” 


After he went through, he found himself in a bullet, going through a small hole that only the bullet could fit in, faster and faster.  Twenty hours later, he fell through a pit of lava.  Then he started running through the pit of lava at full speed.  It was like a path of lava that he had to run on to win.


Then Zar noticed a problem. “ Since the Caca Scientist is so much faster than me, there actually might not be a way I could win, even though I’m doing well so far.  He’s going so fast that he could catch up with me in no time.”


Zar just started running faster and faster.  Whenever Zar moved a little, he thought the Caca Scientist moved 10 times as much.  Soon he saw then ending, but the Caca Scientist was almost just next to him.  So he dove.  But then the Caca Scientist was in front of him, just about to get to the finish line.  Then he dove head-first to the Caca Scientist’s back, knocking the Caca Scientist to his face, and causing Zar to roll to the finish line.



Chapter 14

The Final Test


Then the legend teller said “Boo, Zar!  Boo, Zar!  I hate you! Boo, Zar!  Boo, Zar! Looks like you won.  Looks like you won, Zar, because, how could the Caca Scientist win two out of three battles when you already won two.  That stinks.  I guess after all, you won’t get to see the final value, which is too bad because that was the most interesting one of all.  Tough luck.  Looks like you get the superpowers, Zar.”


He gave Zar a bracelet to put on, and Zar put it on, and it seemed like it dissolved into his skin, and he got superpowers.  He said “Ha ha ha ha ha, I can kill the Caca Scientist now.”


The Caca Scientist said “No, I can kill you,” and almost killed Zar.


Then Smarto said, “Next let’s battle without using Stupid-tarts. “


But Zar was yelling at the Caca Scientist.  He yelled this: “Ya gada doo.  Dee doo dee doo.  What do you want?  A paper clip?  A stupid hat?  A paper with pictures?  A clock shaped like the moon?  A poopy-smelling balloon?  Drums made out of gasoline?  Pianos made out of flower petals.  And puppy-dog tails made out of little hamsters.  It took him hours to say that, because that’s really hard to say, you know – it’ll usually make mistakes.”


And then, the Caca Scientist took out a hammer and yelled, “You gathoo!  I’ve got a Gameboy, do you too?  I like pushing A button, not the B.”


Zar said “I’ve got a GameBoy with Gol.”


The Caca Scientist said, “You’re not allowed to talk during my turn.  It’s the Presidential debates.  Oh no, my mistake.  The Desidential Debates.  You know, you enter to become the poopy of this party.”  And he pooped on Zar.  He said, “You see, now you won the stupid Desidential Debates.  You’re the poopy of this party!”



Chapter 15

Another Battle with Smarto


Then Smarto said, “Let’s start!”


And right when he said “let’s start.” Zar punched him in the face.


Zar said, “Let’s see who’s smarter.  I guess me, because I just punched you in the face.  You can’t even defend.”


And while Zar was saying that, Zar just kicked Smarto in the butt, making him fly up in the air.


Then, Zar said “See, you really stink.  You know you’re going to lose.” 


While Zar was saying that, Zar clobbered him on the said and said “I’m so fast, you’ll never be able to catch me.”


And right while Zar was saying that, he head-butted Smarto back up into the air because he was so fast, he did that all before Smarto crashed to the ground.  Then he sent Smarto flying back up into the air. 


Smarto landed on the ground and said, “Ow!  You almost killed me.  But now I’m going to use my full strength.” 


He punched Zar in the stomach.  He kicked Zar in the stomach.  He clobbered Zar on the head.  He head-butted Zar on the back.   Zar was getting beaten like a poop.


Then all of a sudden, a poop came flying down on Smarto’s head.  And while that was happening, it gave Zar the perfect chance.  He ran up and chased Smarto to death – almost.  But when was almost dead, he was healed and brought somewhere else. 


Then everyone cheered, and said “Zar, you’re good!  You just beat him.  Yeah!  Even though you weren’t supposed to.”


Then Zar said “I did something!  I did something!  I did something!  I did something!  I did something!  I did something!  I did something!  I did something!  I did something! I did something!  I did something!  I did something!  I did something!  I did something!” 


And then the Silly Scientist said, “Here.  Now you can go into the future to go into the past.  Because now you can always go into the future, and when you go into the future there’s a time machine in which you can go into the past.  And then from that past there’s a time machine that you can always go into the time we’re in now. “


Then Zar said, “I’m going to go read a Calvin and Hobbes book that includes cartoons from The Revenge of the Baby-Sat and Scientific Progress Goes ‘Boink’.”  But then when he started it, it said, “This is not the real Calvin and Hobbes.  Please buy the real Calvin and Hobbes at the bookstore.”


So he went to the bookstore.  There, there were many Calvin and Hobbes books, but they were all the same book, that just said that same thing.  So he guessed he couldn’t buy a Calvin and Hobbes book.


So he flew up into the sky and said “I made it!  I made it!  I made it!”


Then he said, “Wait a minute… I didn’t make it.  You made it.  Who made it?  You made it.  Who made it?  Me made it.”


And Zar was in the future.  He said, “I have to find a time machine to go into the past.”


He saw a big spiked guy with a spiked head, who said “I am.  Now I will kill you.”



Chapter 16

Battle with ???



 Then the spiked guy said “See, I will kill you.”  And he head-butted Zar to the ground.


And Zar said, “Heee, you seee.  You can’t even make me bleeed.”


He jumped up and snapped his fingers, and a huge explosion went all over Zar and Zeb.  “Ay-eee, ay-eee.” 


Then Zar said, “Magic poop, kill me!”


And the magic poop flew down and said, “I’ll kill you, big mean spiked guy!” 


It spat some poop out onto the spiked guy, and the spiked guy said “Ha!  You can’t even make me bleed.  Hee hee hee.”  He burnt up the poop and it melted all over the ground.  It smelled delicious like cotton candy, and he bent down and tasted it.


It tasted so disgusting, red was all over, and he flew up into the air and screamed super-loud “Aaahahaha aha ha ug ug ooh ooh ooh get this stuff away from me.  It’s so tempting to eat.  But it tastes disgusting.  It would have killed a normal human.”


Then Zar said, “Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat.  If you don’t, I don’t care, I’ll pull down your underwear.”


Then the spiked guy said, “Trick or feet, smell my meat, if you do I really care, I’ll just rip down your butthole.” 


Then the people knocked on him and said, “Trick or treat, smell my feet and give me something good to eat.  If you don’t I don’t care I’ll pull down your underwear.”


And he said, “I don’t care, I won’t give you anything to eat but this yummy cotton candy brown stuff on the ground.”


And then he pulled down his underwear and he was like “Aaah!  Aaah!  I’m naked!  I’m naked!”  And then he ran away with the underwear with Zar.


While that was happening, Zar kicked him where his underwear used to be.  Then he said, “I guess that was just a normal person, with underwear for armor.” 


Then the guy ran away, but while he was running away, Zar snapped his finger and the guy blew up.


And Zar said, “That stupid spiked guy.  I love spiked guys.”


Then more spiked guys came there, and they said, “We’ll kill you.”


And Zar did the same thing to all twenty billion of them.  And then one giant spiked guy came up and said, “The stuff I’m wearing isn’t armor.”


And Zar tried so hard to pull it off and he couldn’t pull it off and he said, “See!  I just put it on with poopy magic glue.”


Then Zar looked on the box of the glue, and it said “Put water on it to brush it off.”  So he put water on the spiked guy, and all the armor came off and he was just another man and he killed him.



Chapter 17

Becoming an Igi



Then one day, the ants of the end of the future said “We ate you, we ate you.”


Then Zar woke up.  He was only dreaming. 


Then, Zar went to the time machine and said “I’m going to go the future.” 


He went through the time machine to the future, and he said “Hey, a time machine in the same place!”


Then he walked outside and looked.  There were frogs walking around.  He saw Tyranno.  The frogs were fleeing from Tyranno.  Then, a couple seconds later, everything was smoking all over.  The time machine and the time machine building and Zar and Tyranno were the only things not burning.


Then Zar ran into the time machine.  While he was in the time machine, right when he was going to the past it blew up, right when it was in the past.  Then in the past he looked out, and Igi jumped up and said “Hey, Zar!  Just step in this shop for 20 billion iggots.”


Then, another Igi came up and gave Zar 20 billion iggots, and said “Here turn yourself into an Igi.  It’s much better because you can make your own iggots.  Haaa!  It’s no use going to the store.  It’s just so people can waste their money and waste their time.  Haaaa!!”


Then Zar bought a coin case so he could fit his Iggies and iggots in, and he turned himself into an Igi.  He was such a brave boy.  He said “I’m an Igi.  I’m an Igi.  Igi power!!!”



Chapter 18

Writing Annoying E-mails with Angry Rants about Branch Status and CVS Policy


Then an Igi said, “Here, come to the time machine in the future. You’ll love it in the future.”


The Igi pushed Zar into the time machine into the future and Zar was so mad he was in the same place he began at. 


Then all the frogs shouted “Yipppee!!  You did it!  You turned yourself into an Igi!  So now we have one more Igi with us!  Tra la la boomtiay, tra la la boomtiay.”


Then Zar started


- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy

- writing annoying emails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy



Then Dock screamed and said, “What are all these e-mails about!  How did you even learn what all these things mean?  CVS is a drugstore, and I don’t know what the branch and the policy mean.”


Zar said, “When I say CVS, I don’t mean the drugstore.  I mean a special place on the computer for putting programs.”


Dock said, “Oh.  Now I might get it…”



Chapter 19

Continuing Writing Annoying E-mails with Angry Rants about Branch Status and CVS Policy



Then Zar said, “I wonder if Ben’s continuing writing annoying e-mails with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy.  Or at least I think he is, from doing Webmind – he never finished it, he never will.  He’s just been working on that stupid thing for years.   I’m smarter than Webmind could ever be now.  Or at least, I think I am.”


Then Zar wrote an annoying e-mail with angry rants about branch status and CVS policy.  Then in that e-mail he also asked Dock, “Why did you want me to become an Igi?”


Then, 28 days later, Dock sent Zar an annoying e-mail with angry rants about branch status and CVS and also he said “I wanted you to become an Igi, because I wanted you to come to Teleportopia and kill Tyranno, the beast.”


Zar said, “You want me to kill Tyranno the Beast?” in a scared voice.  Then he screamed and rolled around and bounced all over.  In two years he had destroyed the whole city down here. 


Dock said, “I think Zar’s going crazy.”


Zar stopped and said, “I’ve got some exercise.  I’ll go kill Tyranno the Beast.”  He started rolling and bouncing all over again for two more years.  Then, he stopped and said “All right.”  But then he heard Tyranno marching in, coming through the tunnel from the other part of Teleportopia.  Right when he marched in, two milk-like missiles came firing out.  Whatever the milk touched, it destroyed.


Zar pushed Mr. Flea-flea in front of the milk.  But then he disappeared because he couldn’t be killed until Tyranno was killed.


Then Tyranno said, “You’re no match now!”


Zar twirled around and said “I .. ggy … Pow… er!” and Tyranno’s head was bounced all over.  Then his head blew up. 


But Tyranno grew back his head and ran away thinking to himself “How come they were so strong?  They easily did that.  If I had stayed a couple minutes longer I’d have been killed.”


Then Zar said again, “Ig … gy … Power!” 


A huge explosion came out of the tunnel to the other part of Teleportopia.  And Zar said, “I don’t think I have to go and kill Tyranno.  I think I just did.”


Then, Dock said “You never know.  It’s not safe to go out now, because, if he didn’t kill Tyranno, he’ll be guarding there, and every attack you use, Mr. Flea-flea will jump in front of the attack and kill himself, and then he’ll reappear on Tyranno’s head, and then he’ll keep doing it – you’ll never get past.  And if you do get past, he’ll hunt you down and kill you.”



Chapter 20

What Should Zar Do?


Zar said, “Ha!  I don’t believe you.  I surely killed Tyranno.  He’s definitely dead.”


So Zar walked down the tunnel, then he saw a spiderweb in front of him.  He tried to go through; then Mr. Flea-flea jumped on his head and said “Now I can eat you, Zar!”


Then he was yanked back to the spiderweb.   He tried again and again.  Soon he used Igi power and broke the spiderweb, and then ran out of the tunnel.  He said “Dock, I think you’re right.”


Then Zar said, “What should I do?”   But then he said, “Now I know perfectly what to do.”


He went to the Internet and said, “I’ll look up Gameshark codes.”  He built a giant Gameshark, he looked up on the Internet for Gameshark codes, and there was one Gameshark code called “Automatic free into Teleportopia.”  He typed in one code, “FGFGAGBFGFGFFFGBGACADBGGFBACBAFGGCCCCCCBGGFFIA.”   Then at the end he wrote, “Automatic go into Teleportopia.”  And then he pushed the button for OK, and he was automatically in Teleportopia.


But that was the same place he already was, because he already was in Teleportopia.   Then the Gameshark turned into a giant ghostlike creature.  It said, “Now you know what you should do!!  Just stay out of Teleportopia.  Listen to Dock.  Don’t be stupid.  Be stupid.  Actually, I have a better thing for you to do.  The better thing is, for me to kill you.”


So the ghostlike creature punched Zar on the head. 


Then Zar said “Igi power!”


The Igi power just bounced off the ghostlike creature, and he said “I am Igi power proof.  You made me that way.”

Then Zar said, “But you’re not Zap cannon proof.  I said Zap cannon, then MegaZap cannon.”


The black ghostlike creature was knocked into the spiderweb.  He tried to get out but he just bounced back to the rest of the spiderweb.  The black ghostlike creature was stuck. 



Chapter 21

Welcome, Zadie!



Then Zade appeared there and said “Hi, Zar.  I looked and looked.  I went back into the cave and I saw little cute fishies there in the water.  I said, little cute fishies, do you know where Zar is?  And they took me there.  Aren’t they nice?”


And Zar said, “Yeah, I had a lot of trouble here.  Now that you’re here, now you can be an Igi like me.”


Zade said “Sure.  I like your story called Teleportopia about this place.  Especially because Igis are so cute.   What’s an Igi?”


Zar said, “That, you and  me are Igis.  Igis can look like whatever they want.”


Zade said, “Yippee, yippee!   I want to look like Selebi, the cutest Pokemon in the universe!”  And she looked like Selebi.


Then Zar said, “Zadie, do you want me to read you a book about Pokemon?”


Zadie said, “Yippee, yippee!  Yes, I do!”


“What’s a coprophiliac?” Zadie asked


“Someone who eats poop.”


“Yuck!  I’m not a coprophiliac.”   Then Zadie said “What’s a poop?”


“Something that comes out of your butt when you poop.”


“What’s a poop then?”


“OK.  I’ll stop.”



Chapter 22

Starting of the Story called Pokemon


“One day, there was a Pokemon trainer called Ash Ketchum….” Zar read.


Then he said, “No, that’s not the right story from the book.”


Zade said, “Yeah!  I hate that Ash Ketchum….   He doesn’t even have a Selebi.  No wonder he’s a bad trader and I hate him.  All he has is a Pikachu.  But what about a Pichu, the baby form of Pikachu?  Or a Smoochum, the baby form of Jinx?  Or not even a Ho Oh.”


Then Zar said, “All right. One day there was a Pokemon trader named Zar.  He caught a Pokemon wild, and it was called Selebi.  He thought it was the cutest Pokemon.  He played with it every day.  He bounced on the trampoline with it.  But it always bounced higher.  Selebi said, ‘Selebi, selebi, selebi!’  And Zar said, ‘You’re my bestest friend.’


“Then Zar saw a Pokemon trader named Zadie.  And he said, ‘Zadie, I bet you can never beat me in a Pokemon battle.  My Selebi’s so strong, it could beat you with one pound, or hit, or one bite.


“Zadie said, ‘No, my Selebi’s better.  It can beat anyone in one bite or hit or pound.’


“And they battled.  It was like this.  Zar yelled ‘Bite, bite’ and Zade yelled ‘Pound, pound’ and  it went on for days and days, until both the Selebis and the Zar and Zades starved to death and died.  And that’s the end of the story.”


And Zar said, “That’s why you should never fight for so long.  If you fight for too long, you’ll die, so you should never fight for that long.  You should stop fighting after a while.”


And Zar said, “That’s not that good of a story.”


And Zade said, “It’s scary!”  She screamed and screamed.  “Selebi’s dying!”  And she cried and cried.



Chapter 23



Then Zar said, “OK, if you don’t like that story, I know something you’d like – the story of Zar and Zadie.  One day, there was a thing called Red Beam.  It flew all over the sky singing ‘Give me money, give me money.’


“Zade said ‘What’s that red thing flying in the sky saying “Give me money, give me money?” .’  The thing flew down to Zadie and said ‘You just called me a red thing flying in sky saying “Give me money, give me money!”  My name is Red Beam!’


“Then Zade said, ‘No, your name is “a red thing flying in sky saying ‘Give me money, give me money!’ .”  Then Zade spit in Red Beam’s face.


“Red Beam said ‘You dare!  You’re gonna get it this time!’  And he made Red Beam monsters flying in the sky, and he kept saying ‘I eat Zadie!  I eat Zadie.’


“Then the Legend Teller said, ‘This is in the story.  You have to stop the story.  There’s something unknown about it.  Don’t you see the title?  There’s something unknown about it.  You must take it to my office.  Yes, yes, yes, yes.’”


Zar said, “OK Zadie, I must stop the story now, we’re going to go to the Legend Teller’s place.”


The guard at the office said, “You can’t come in now, because the Future Teller died.  Even the Legend Teller’s not allowed to come in.  There’s something unknown about that book.  Even the Legend Teller isn’t allowed in.”


Zar said, “Yeah, right, you big bully!”


Zade said, “Yeah, right you big bully!”


Then Zade slapped the guy on both cheeks and said, “Let us in!”


The guard said “The book is not allowed in.  It is unknown.  There is something unknown about it.”


The book said “Unknown?  There’s nothing unknown about me.  Didn’t you read the first chapter, called ‘About me?”  There’s nothing unknown about that stuff.”


The book closed itself on Zar’s hand, and Zar screamed, and he threw it up in the air and said “There’s one thing it tell you not to.  There’s three things it tells you not to do.  Bring me into the Legend Teller’s place, throw me up in the air, and kiss my butt goodbye.  No matter what one of these you do, this is what happens.”  And he turned into a giant monster-like thing, with big feet with claws on them, big arms with two claws per hand, big like a person, big mouth, big jaws, big fangs, two horns on his head and wings on his back.”


Then Zade said, “What’s that scary things?”


The Legend Teller said, “That’s the thing I was going to show you about.  That’s why I told you to come in here with the book.  I never got to study the book to figure out how to kill this thing.  I think this will be more trouble than Tyranno.”


Then the unknown thing gave itself a name and said, “My name is Red Beamer.”


And then he left through the tunnel.

Chapter 24

Down the Tunnel



Then Zar walked down the tunnel.  After 10 miles he saw a sign.  One way it said “floccipocinihilipilification.”  Another way it said “floxinotedetanon.”   He went up the second one. 


Then after 10 miles there, he saw Red Beamer saying “How did you know where I was going?  You’re chasing me!  You’re trying to hunt me down and kill me!  Get away!”  He ran out of sight.


Then Zar saw a sign that said, “Straight ahead: floxinotedetanon.”   And another way it went was “Wattvanhattarisadoper.” 


So he turned on that one and said “I’ve just got to get away from Red Beamer.”   He walked down that trail, and then he saw Red Beamer again.


“How do you know the exactly path I’m going on?” Red Beamer said.  He dashed out of sight and waited somewhere for Zar and Zadie.


Then, eventually, he saw a sign that said “Straight ahead to Wattvanhattarisadoper.”   And another way it said “Copetistaritationfloxerdappaser.” 


Then Red Beamer said, “I’m going to Wattvanhattarisadoper.”


Then Zar said, “Good.  You’re not going the same way as I planned to.  ‘Cause I’m going to Copetistaritationfloxerdappaser.”


Then, right before Red Beamer left, he said, “You know all the names of these cities are also words.  The first one that doesn’t go to Tyranno’s territory means, Straight Life.  The second one means Super Fighters.  And the third one means The Funland for Kids.  I think I’m the best fighter; that’s why I’m going to the second town.”


Eventually Zar and Zadie saw Copetistaritationfloxerdappaser.  Zadie said, “I see the town.”


Then when they got there, everyone said “Hi Zadie.  Hi Zarry.  We have a giant house for you.”  And they went to bed. 



Chapter 25




A creature there called a Sovesssappooness said “Here, eat this!” and it picked up piece of dirt off the ground.  I look like silverware, but I’m living.” 

He picked up a piece of dirt and said “Here, eat this!”  and shoved it down Zar’s throat.


Then, Sovesssappooness said, “Remember, my real name is Smitten.  I will help you, I will help you.  My real name is Smitten and I will help you.”  His voice was very high-pitched and dopey-sounding.


And then he said, “If someone puts a bowl of shrimp in front of you, I will shove it down your throat.”


Then Zar screamed and ran.


And Sovesssappooness said, “Don’t run that way!  Then Red Beamer will get you!”


Then Zar said, “All right, then let’s have some….  What was that word again?”


Sovesssappooness said, “Copetistaritationfloxerdappaser.   And then we will show you the show of your life, which is death.  We will eat you alive!  We will eat you alive!  We will eat you alive!  We like food!”


And Zadie said, “Zar, what do we do, I’m scared….”


Then Zadie said,  “What?  I’m flying!  I’m flying!”


Then Sovesssappooness said, “Get in the fighter planes!”


Then when they were in the fighter planes, Zade said “Aaah, aaah, what can I do?   … Wow!  Look at this!  I’m shooting out of my eyes!”


Sovesssappooness said, “Get the nuclear missiles!”


Zade said, “Now I don’t know anything to do….”   But she suddenly started dropping bombs out of her belly.  It blew up the place.  And then she landed.


And Sovesssappooness said, “Good.  You helped us to do Copetistaritationfloxerdappaser….  Now I will help you. Just go through this little door here in my house’s basement.  It will bring you to a dark and scary cave.”



Chapter 26

The Dark and Scary Cave



They walked along a big, dark and scary path. 


They said “Turn on the lights” and it was so light it was scary.


Then they said, “Turn on the light, now it’s time for the cave.”


Once they were in the cave, it was so light, and so sweet and nice, it wasn’t scary at all.  It was anti-dark and anti-scary.   Zadie said, “It’s nice and sweet here.  Look at all those pink bunnies.”


Zar said, “There’s 2500 little bunnies here.”


Zadie said, “There is?”  She went up to pet a bunny on the head and it bit her really hard.  And it bounced away with a part of Zade’s finger.


Then, Zade’s finger grew back. 


Then, Zade said, “You’re nice bunnies, so don’t bite me.”  But, they bit Zade all over, until all that was left was her head. 


Then, the rest of her body grew back!  And Zade spanked the bunnies and said “Bad bunnies!”


Then she tickled them and said “Good bunnies!” and they  jumped all over her and bit her, because biting was their way of being nice to people.  But this time they bit her so soft that they just gave her little cuts.  And then the cuts turned into skin.


Then the Bunny King said, “Lock these stupid kids in jail.  They shouldn’t be trespassing in the Dark and Scary Cave.  Heh heh heh heh.”


Then the King said, “So, Sovesssappooness, why did you come here?” 


Sovesssappooness said, “Because these people helped me have Copetistaritationfloxerdappasser, and I promised that I’d help them get on their way.”


“All right then.  Go back home, and if I ever see you again, I’ll cook you up and eat you for fried shrimp dinner.  And all you bunnies, it’s straight to jail with you.  Why didn’t you spend your time tickling them, instead?   They hate being tickled; it’s like being tortured.”



Chapter 27

Sovesssappooness Tries to Save Zar and Zade



Sovesssappooness sneaks up and stabs the fork part of him and the knife part of him into King Bunny’s neck at the same time, and then with the spoon, whacks him constantly to death. 


All the bunnies gather around and say, “You evil jerk, Sovesssappooness!  You didn’t rescue them!  Heh heh heh hehhh-heh.”


And then the Prince Pink Bunny turned into a new King Pink Bunny, and a baby pink bunny turned into a new Prince Pink Bunny.  And they locked Sovesssappooness up.



Chapter 28

A Time in Jail


In jail, Sovesssappooness is dancing around like mad saying “Oh yes, I’m in jail, I’m the dude in jail!  Oh yes, I’m in jail, I’m the dude in jail!  I love farting.  I want farting all the day, all the day day away.  Fart fart fart fart.  Oh I’m farting and farting all day.  Oh I’m farting and farting, the guards stay away from me because I’m farting all day.  Farting, farting!  Oh I love farting the day away.  I’m farting, farting!  Farting is the best thing to do because I’m a fartosaurus.  I’m a farter that farts all day.”


Then he started pooping, saying “Oh, I’m a pooper that poops all day.  I’m pooping!”


Sovesssappooness is just going crazy in jail, barfing and pooping and farting.  


Then, at the same time, Zar was doing this: “Oh hi, I’m walking down the street, saying Peep Peep on my schmuck.  Oh hi, I’m walking down the street, saying Peep Peep on my schmuck. “ 


Then Zar said, “I changed my name to Iggo Igi.”


And Zade said, “I changed my name to Cat Igi.”


Then, all of a sudden, Iggo said, “Sovessapppooness!  Stop farting and barfing and pooping all over!  All I’m doing is walking down the street saying peep peep on my schmuck!”


Then Zadie said, “I want out of jail jail.”  And she started crying like mad.  She turned into a giant beast that was the color pink. 


And it blasts out of the jail and says, “Oh, I’m walking down the street saying Peep Peep on my schmuck.”


Then Cat Igi said “I’m walking down the street saying Peep Peep on my schmuck.” 


Then someone saw a guy who said, “Oh, oh, my name is bubblekins, and I was locked up.  Oh, my name, oh my name, my stupid ugly idiotic moronic shit from hell bubblekins.  Oh, bubblekins, my name is bubblekins, you know my name is bubblekins, because my name is definitely bubblekins, bubblekins.  The super double eating pooper bubblekins.”


Chapter 29

Another Attempt at the Escape from Jail



Then all of a sudden an Asbestoplumatic Porifera said “Hi guys, I’ll get you out of jail.  But please, I’ll only do it if you call me by the name Carnivorous Sponge.”


Carnivorous Sponge bashed through the wall.  At the same time, Iggo Igi transformed into his super mode.  And Cat Igi transformed into her super mode.  And Sovasapppooness transformed into his super mode.  And Carnivorous Sponge went into a super mode.  They started going around attacking like mad, killing the bunnies like mad.  The jail cells were broke.  They were stomping all over, saying “I’m walking down the street, saying Peep Peep on my schmuck.”   Then they eventually got beaten up by all the bunnies.


Iggo Igi got really mad and started kicking and punching everyone in their faces, especially in their butts.  He got mad that all his friends were getting beaten up. 


Then they said, “Kill this Igi named Iggo!”  They all tried to kill him their hardest, tying ropes around him and choking him, stabbing him with swords.  It seemed like Iggo was impenetrable.  Then they got out their supergun, and blasted him into the wall.  They kept blasting him back and forth, playing ball with him. 


And they said, “oh, that was so much fun!  Let’s just lock him up in a better jail.”   And they re-locked him up in a better jail.  “And if he escapes, we’ll play ball again!”


They locked him up in a better jail cell without his friends, each one of his friends in a separate jail cell, so they couldn’t plan anything.



Chapter 30

Cat’s Burst of Anger



The cat said, “You evil beasts from hell!  Si ni ri ci!  You big ugly fat pieces of jerks!  I’m gonna get you!”  And she blew up all the jail cells, sending everyone in that cluster of jail cells free.  


They ran all over letting everyone else out of jail.  Once everyone was out of jail, they said “Now we have an army, let’s kill them.  We saw you foolish fools try to escape.  You should have let us out also.  Because you’re no match for the massive amounts of bunnies, by yourselves.  You were outnumbered too well.”


Then they all went charging out, killing the bunnies with their weapons, which were the bars from jail.  They sharpened them, spiking them, making the bars into spears and swords.  Iggo was shooting flames out of his mouth; Cat was biting with her vicious teeth.  They were all ripping apart and killing the pink bunnies.


Soon, they had killed all the pink bunnies but one, and that one said, “You’re really stupid.  You have no chance of killing me!  I am Stupid Bunny!’


Chapter 31

The Ultimate Bunny


“Now there is only one more bunny,” said Stupid Bunny.   “This bunny is the Ulttimate Bunny.” 


He spun his body up so it was all wound up in a string like a worm.  Then he said, “My new name is Pink Wormikins.”  Then after that, he said, “Ready to fight?” He was bashing them all, knocking them unconscious with his tail, rolling over them, rolling into them, body-slamming them.  Eventually he killed them.  Some robot guards came out and said “Ho Ho HO.  You killed our boss.  But there’s no chance of killing us.”


The robots started clobbering them on the head and shooting missiles.  They were no match for the robots.  The robots led them into a cave, through the cave doors, and locked them in the cave jails.



Chapter 32

The Robot Jails


In the jails Igi said, “I’ll change my name now to Asay – A, s, a, y.   Please don’t call me A say.   I’m Asay, the mighty geek!  I’m Asay, the mighty geek!   Supergeek!”


And then Sovessappooness said, “I’m a super geek.  Say peep peep on my schmuck!”  and then Sovessappooonesss cut through the metal bars.  And Asay said, “Why did you do that, stupid?”  And then lots of robots came and locked them in a better jail. 


And cat said, “I I want want to to go go home home.”   Then cat said, “I change my name back to Zadie.  I want go home, Asay.  You’re a big fat asshole that says stuff.  You big fat asshole say.  You won’t take me home!  Homey homey home!”


Then the Legend Teller peered out of nowhere and said, “Ho ho ho.  Oh, I’m Santa Claus.  Do you want me to tell you a story.   It’s a true story.  It’s about what’s happening to – ah, never mind.”  


And then he suddenly disappeared and then reappeared in his house.



Chapter 33

What Goes on with Zeb

Zeb was going around saying “Zadie!  Zar!  Where are you….  Zadie!  Zar!  Where are you….  Zadie!  Zar!  Where are you….”   


He was going around crying, saying “I can’t find Zar!”


Then he said, “Oh yeah, wait a minute.  Zar changed his name to Asay.  He’s a big fat asshole, say.”


Then Ben and Gwen said, “Zeb, just give up.  They’re dead.  Those little fishies in that little tiny stream probably ate them.  Just give up.  They’re dead.  Believe it.  No use looking for someone dead.”


Zebby said, “They’re not dead.  They changed their name to Asay and Cat.  But then Zadie changed her name back from cat to Zadie.  But before Zar changed his name Asay he changed his name to Igo Igi.   Then he changed his name to Asay.  He’s a big fat asshole, say.”


Then Zebby said, “I’m going to go look for Zar. “  And he charged and said, “I’m going to go get you Zar.  From Mount Teetee.  I’m going to get you!  I’m going to save you!”


Meanwhile, the robot king said, “In one month, we will execute these weirdos.”


And then Zeb said, “I have to get there in one month, or I’ll be executed.  Eggs a cue ted.”


And then Zeb ran to the cave that they disappeared in, jumped in the water and swam with the fishies.   He swam to Teleportopia.  He jumped over all the froggies and he said, “Oya boya oya boya” and made a hole appear in front of him, and he jumped in it, and it brought him right into the jail in front of him. 


And then he saw robots all over, and they said “What are you doing?  Who are you?”


And he said, “I’m Zeb.  What are you doing to me,” in a strange tone of voice.


And then, at that same time, he put a quick elbow straight into a robot’s head, knocking his head into the ceiling.  And the robot said, “Blast you!” while shooting at Zeb.   He almost killed Zeb, and locked Zeb up with the others.


Zeb said to the others, “I tried to save you, but I guess I’m too small to save you.  And plus, they were going to execute you in two weeks.  Now they’re trying to execute us in one week because of me.”


Then Zebby said, “Oh yeah, I know this magic.  Oooby ooby ooby oooby!”  And then a hole appeared and it brought them to the trail of Geebee Geebee Gahboo Gahboo. 



Chapter 34

The Trail of Geebee Geebee Gahboo Gahboo



Then Asay said, “I changed my name back to Zar.”


Then a mysterious voice said, “Ho ho ho.  Who are you?”


And Zar said, “I know who you are.  You’re Dude.”


And Zeb and Zade said, at the same exact yoctosecond.  “Why did you name yourself dude?  Are you a dud or a nincompoop.  You pea-brain!  Who would name themselves Duck?”


“I didn’t name myself Duck.  I named myself Dude.”


And Dude said, “Let’s run down the trail quick, before the robots catch us.  It was foolish of you, escaping the robots with a little magic.  They know exactly where you are.   They have  a magic to know exactly where you are after you escape them by using magic.”


The robots were going down the path singing “Ho ho ho.  We’re walking down the street saying pee pee on my schmucks.  Oh I’m walking down the street, oh I’m walking down the street, on my shmuck on my schmuck on my shmuck.  Oh yes it’s really true, I’m saying pee pee on my schmuuuuuuuuuu uh uh uh UH uh uh uh uck.”


Then a robot said, “Anyway, what is a schmuck, schmuuock, schmuck?”


The king robot said, “I don’t know what a schmuck is.”


Another robot said, “I know what a schmuck is.  It’s a something.  But I don’t what the something a schmuck is is.”


So another robot says, “then you don’t know what a schmuck is.”


Then another robot said, “We have no home.  We travel all the time.  We will catch these fiends.”


And another one said, “What’s a fiend?”


And another robot “I know what a fiend is.  It’s a something.  But I don’t what the something a fiend is is.”


So another robot says, “then you don’t know what a fiend is….  But actually, you do know what a fiend is.  A fiend is something.  But you still don’t know what the something that a fiend is is.”


Another robot said, “We don’t even know what something is.”


Another one said, “We actually don’t know what a something is.  Of course it’s a something, but then we still don’t know what it means, and there’s no way to explain what it means like that, by a something.”


The king robot said, “Stop it all of you!  You’re letting them get away!  If you don’t get going now I’ll kill all of you!”



Chapter 35

The Geebee Geebee Gahboo Gahboo Castle