Red Beam


Zar Goertzel

November 1, 1999




            “Beans, beans

            They’re good for your heart

            The more you eat

            The more you fart,”


said a legend teller.   Then the kid named Tycho and his brother Psycho said, “Tell the story of the red beam.  Tell the story of the red beam!”

            And then the legend teller said, “OK, I’ll tell it one more time in my life.  Listen well and then write it down yourself and ask other people to read it to you, because I want to forget this story, because it’s a sad one.”

            The story went like this…


            There were two kids named Tycho and his brother named Psycho. 

There was a legend teller and he said,


            “Beans, beans

            They’re good for your heart

            The more you eat

            The more you fart.”


The kid named Tycho and his brother Psycho said, “Tell me the story of the red beam.  Tell me the story of the red beam.”  And the legend teller said, “OK, I’ll tell it one more time in my life.  Listen well and then write it down yourself and ask other people to read it to you, because I want to forget this story, because it’s a sad one.”

            The story went like this…


            There were two kids named Tycho and his brother named Psycho.   And their sister Luna.  And Luna kept saying, “I’m a lunatic!  I’m a lunatic!  I’m a lunatic!  I’m a lunatic!”

            And Psycho said, “You’re acting more like a lunatic than me.”

            And Tycho went to his friend Smarto’s house.  Smarto said, “The only way to stop Luna the lunatic from doing this is to tranquilize her with a laser gun.”

            And then Smarto made the laser gun.  And shot Luna in the head.  Luna was dead. 

            Smarto said, “See, I told you that was the only way to stop her.”          

            And then Psycho went running around saying “I’m the psychopath!  I’m the psychopath!  I’m the psychopath!”

            Then a red beam went by and Psycho saw it and said, “I will catch Psycho the psychopath.”   Then the red beam went through the planet and it made it explode. 

Then Smarto said, “I think I know the way to stop this dumb thing.  Just make some antimatter.”

Then Smarto made some antimatter and threw it at the red beam.  The red beam just went right through it and exploded.

And then the legend teller said, “The story is over.  The story is over.”



Chapter Two

Story Comes Real



            Then Psycho met someone named Luna.  Luna kept running around saying “I’m a lunatic!  I’m a lunatic!  I’m a lunatic!  I’m a lunatic!  I’m a lunatic!”

            Then Luna saw a red beam and the beam said “I will kill Lunatic!  I will kill Lunatic!” 

            Then the red beam went right through Luna and the moon, and exploded, because Smarto had been smart enough to figure out that was going to happen from the past, and he had put some antimatter there to make it explode, because he was so smart because his name was Smarto.  (All he eats are Smarties, that’s why he’s so smart!)

            And then his parents came back from their 50 year long trip and said, “Smarto, you should stop eating right now,” and he stopped eating Smarties.  Smarto was just 5 years old.   He was so smart he had transported himself into the future.  But when he stopped eating Smarties he became stupid and his parents renamed him Stupo.  And he started eating Stupidies. 

            And then a legend teller came by.  And then he said, “I’ll tell you the legend of the boy that got stupid from eating Stupidies and stopping eating Smarties.”

            The legend teller said, “He was five years old and he knew how to make antimatter.  His parents came by from a 50 year long trip and took his Smarties away from him and started feeding him Stupidies.  He must have been so smart when he was a younger age that he teleported himself to the future.  And then he was the stupidest thing in the universe and his name was changed to Stupido.” 

            The legend teller said, “And now the legend is done.  I have told the story of the stupid kid.  Who was made stupid just because his parents stole his Smarties to eat themselves, to make themselves smarter.”

            Then Psycho was such a psychopath that he dropped a hundred atom bombs on his own head, and he exploded, and he said “Ah, that felt very good!   Since I’m such a psychopath, I didn’t even notice that I should be dead, because I’m not, because I’m a psychopath.” 

            And then he said, “Maybe I’ll drop some atom bombs on the Smartie making factory.”  Then he shot nuclear missiles at the Stupidie making factory and he took the Smarties and gave them to the boy and he became smart again.





Chapter Three

Psycho Becomes a Psychopath



            No he wasn’t.  He was not a psycho before.  He was a smartopath.  

            Psycho said,


“See see psycho

See see see see psycho

Beans, beans, they’re good for your butt

The more you eat, the more you die


That’s you should just eat eat eat eat the beans

Eat eat eat eat the beans

Eat eat eat eat the beans

Fifty dozen times

Fifty dozen times of zero beans


Isn’t that smart?

Then I’ll eat fifty billion and then I’ll die


Beans, beans, they’re good for heart

The more you eat, the more you fart


Beans, beans they’re good for your lung

The more you eat, the more you song”



            Then Tycho said, “Are you ever going to stop this stupid singing nonsense?  Because I’m going to kill you if you take up the whole story with it.  Because this isn’t real, this is just in a story.”

            Then the legend teller came by and said, “Oh, man.  I just got in a fight with the read beam.  He beat me up badly.”

            Then he said, “One of my friends from school was walking home and fell down on a hill and he got cut badly on his right cheek.  Oh no, that’s something that happened in real life, not in this dumb old story.  You never know what use legend tellers are going to be for.”

            Then the legend teller said, “I’ll tell you the story of how the red beam beat me up.  You kids, before you get as old as me, you must beat the red beam up badly.”

            Then he said, “It started off, I was walking down the street saying, ‘I need some food in this desert area.  I need some food badly.’  Then the red beam came up, and said ‘If you beat me up, I’ll give you lots of water and lots of food for your whole life and you’ll never go hungry again.’  I said, Ok, I’ll try it.  But as soon as the fight started the red beam took a light saber out and cut me up badly.  And then I felt like I was telling the story of this.  And then that felt like I was telling the story of this.  And then I felt like I was dying.  And then all the food and water he gave me appeared out of my body.  And then I finally  made it here, to where I am telling the story now.”

Then he collapsed dead, and they never got to hear the whole story.

Then Psycho said, “Man, I’d like to fight that Red Beam too.  It sounds awesome to fight.  I’d like to fight him.”



The legend teller’s ghost came to Psycho in his sleep and said


“Beans, beans, they’re good for your butt

The more you nut, the more you nut.”


Then the ghost scratched down his body and then back up the other side.

            The next night, Tycho was sleeping, and the same thing happened to him. 


Then, five years later, when they were each 15, they saw the Red Beam and said “Red Beam, Red Beam, can we please fight you?”

Then Red Beam drew out his double bladed light saber and came down to fight. 

Luckily, they always wore Smarto’s five-bladed light sabers.  And then they started fighting.  The Red Beam sliced off Psycho’s head, and Psycho’s head was bouncing around different places on Red Beam’s body.

Tycho got very mad and spun his light saber blade around in circles at the speed of light, and turned it into a boomerang shape, and then he threw it, and it cut the Red Beam’s head off, and then there were two Red Beams.

Both Red Beams said “Ha ha ha.”  Then he shot his vapors at it, and it blew up and exploded, and there were billions of little ones.  Then he tried his psychic gas, and it vaporized all the billions of little Red Beams.

And then they heard a voice saying, “You beat me, but I will get revenge on you one day.”



Chapter 4

Revenge of the Red Beam



            150 years later, Tycho’s kid Tycho and Smarto’s kid Smarto were at the age of 35 and they were just as smart and almost just the same as the old ones from 150 years ago.  And they said, “We’ll get rid of that Red Beam.  We’ll kill it!!”   And then the legend teller’s ghost kid, Psycho, which was a real person, was almost exactly like the original Psycho, and was also 35. 

            Then, they saw a huge red thing going over the sun.  The sun was blanked out for a while, and then the thing came right down to Earth. 

And Smarto said, “I can kill this.  Just use my super psychic Saturn gas.”  He moved his hand around in circles at the speed of light.  And a huge beam of gas went out, and started fighting and fighting with the red beam.  He kept making more and more Saturn gas, and the Saturn gas kept fighting with the more and more red beams, until the whole city that Tycho, Psycho and Smarto lived in was getting destroyed.  Smarto wouldn’t leave until all the red beams were destroyed.  Tycho and Psycho had special hands like that too, from Psycho, and kept sending gas out to fight with the red beams.

Then they noticed something strange.  The red beams were keeping it as light as it normally was and as hot as it normally was.  Then they said, “Why is this happening?  We seem to be losing.   The red beams seem to be forming into one giant red beam and killing all our Saturn gas guys”

Then Smarto, Psycho and Tycho made the Saturn gas guys turn into one giant Saturn gas guy.  And then they kept fighting and fighting, until there were 50 of each – giant Saturn gas guys and smaller Saturn gas guys.  Then the red beams started to seem like they were losing.  When the red beams stabbed their swords through the Saturn gas guys, they didn’t hurt them at all, because they were just gas.  But when the Saturn gas guys attacked, they were killing the red beams. 

Then, Tycho, Psycho and Smarto shot psychic gas out and destroyed 9 of the red beams.  Then the rest of the 10 Saturn gas guys used their swords and psychic gas and totally decerebrated the red beams. 



Chapter 5

The Legend Teller’s Story



            Then the one red beam almost killed them all.  But then they shot more psychic gas and killed the last one.  Then the legend teller said, “You killed all the red beams that I knew about in this universe.  Now I’m brought back to life!   Now I’ll tell you my favorite story ever.  It’s called ‘Beyond Middle Earth.’ :


Chapter 1: Sail Away


            Frodo and Elrond and Galadriel and Celeborn and the others sailed away from Middle Earth, saying goodbye to their friends.  Aragorn son of Arathorn and Gandalf the White and Sauron of Mordor decided to come with them as well.  

            As they sailed along, they saw a death sign, saying “You will die if you go fifty billion miles further, and go out into space without turning at all.”

            They tried that, but they couldn’t do it, they could just sail through the ocean.

            Then they saw fifty billion islands with mermaids jumping all over them.  And each island was as big as a quark, and the mermaids were jumping all over them.  Then Celeborn said, “We need food, we will kill them all!” and he started shooting fifty arrows.  He was mad because they were starving to death, so he felt like killing anything they saw that could be used as meat. 

            Then the mermaids started doing head butts at the ship until they started making cracks in the ship, and it was sinking.   The ship sunk.   Celeborn started eating the mermaids he has killed.  Then he felt like he was drowning under the water, so he pulled himself up to the top of the water.  And he found he could walk on the water because of all the small islands! 

            Then he kept running on the small islands until he saw a huge piece of land.  And then he ran all the way back, a couple hundred miles, to get the others and tell them to come. 

            When the got to the land, they saw a huge bearlike guy, and they said “Are you Beorn’s dad?”

            “Yes,” he said.  “And I kill mermaids.  That’s because they almost killed Beorn, that’s why he ran away to Middle Earth.  But now he’s come back to me.”

            Then Bilbo Baggins said “What’s your name, Beorn’s dad?”

            He said, “Bagorn.”

            “What’s your wife’s name?” asked Bilbo.

            Bagorn said, “Boogorn.”

            Then Frodo asked to see Beorn because he’d never seen him and he’d always wanted to, and Bilbo had. 

So Beorn came out, bigger than ever.  He said, “I  just caught a lot of mermaids.”

Bilbo said, “I’m Bilbo Baggins, remember me?”

“Oh, it’s you,” said Beorn, and he stopped attacking them, although he wasn’t attacking them anyway.


Chapter 2: Dead Pigs on Toast


            Then Beorn said, “come to our house.  We’ll give you dead pigs on toast, with beans, and I’ll sing you my favorite poem too.”

Then they went out hunting dead pigs.   But they saw a giant pig who said “I’m not a dead pig.  I’m going to kill you because you killed too many of my baby pigs.”  And he crossed his arms.

Then Beorn, Bagorn and Boogorn turned into bear form, and then the pig smashed Boogorn 500 miles away into the ocean.   Then Bagorn shot a couple cannons, but then he realized that they didn’t have any cannons, so how could they do that.  So then he scratched the neck of the pig.

The pig smashed him 600 miles into the ocean and he landed on Boogorn (Boogorn had swum 100 miles in the wrong direction). 

Then Beorn turned into a shape even bigger than the pig, and butted the pig into the sun, and the pig was dead.

But then, Beorn died.

Then when he fell down dead, they saw a couple cannonballs in the back of his head.  And then they saw some men.    

Elrond, Lady Galadriel, and Gandalf the White put all their rings together and shot a huge beam from all the rings together, and then the men who had killed Beorn all exploded.  When the men hit the water, they made such a big splash that it splashed Bagon and Boogorn all the way back to where the men had been before. 

“What happened to Beorn?” they said.

“He was killed.”

Then they saw hundreds of thousands more people come at them.  They decided to run.  They ran to the boat, and Bagorn and Boogorn ran to their house.  They sailed; they were looking for a place that the mermaids were guarding, even though they weren’t sure the mermaids were guarding anything.  But they passed a place where a lot of mermaids were, and they thought the mermaids might be guarding something there.  And they found all this ham and pig meat in the water.  They picked it up and put it on toast, and they ate it with beans while singing


            “Beans, beans,

            they’re good for your heart

            The more you eat,

the more you fart”


They went outside on the deck of the boat and saw an island far off in the distance, near where the mermaids were.  Then they ate their toenails and fingernails because they were so nervous and scared, because they kept hitting all these hard things.  Then when they got to the parts of the boat underneath the deck, where all the hard things were hitting, they found dead mermaid parts inside the boat, which had come into the boat through small holes that the mermaids had made with their hard heads.

            Soon after that, they got up on the deck, and the whole boat was crumpling up into pieces.  They all got into lifeboats.  Many of the lifeboats were popping, and so they had to jump into others.  Just about when the last lifeboat was allowed to be broken, 100 pirate ships were coming to kill all the mermaids.  

The mermaids made a huge mermaid-like body out of 10,000 mermaids, but there were still millions of mermaids left.  They charged the pirate ships and destroyed 99 of them.  But all 10,000 mermaids that were in the body structure were dead.   All the people from Bilbo’s ship were in one lifeboat, and it seemed to be sinking, but it wasn’t because of all the little tiny islands clustered so closely together.  And then they got off and ran to the other ships and got on them. 

Then they said, “We’ll just leave the pirate ships here with no pirates on them, because the wave talked them all off to the mermaid.” 

They just ran to the island, and the mermaids didn’t care, because they only cared about boats and large objects coming to their place.

When they reached the island, they discovered that all it was was all the boat pieces they had ever destroyed. 

The mermaids were carrying the pirate boat that they had left behind, because they wanted it.  But Elrond used his water ring to make the waves shove the boat back off the mermaids’ island.

They searched that place and they found all sorts of injured people, poor people, almost dead people, scared people.  And underneath all of that, they found a city of humans, and mermaids, Beorn, Bagorn and Boogorn. 

Then they had a whole party, eating dead fried pigs on toast.


Chapter 3: Mermaid War