The Black Hole
By Zar Goertzel
The Black Hole
One day Dick and Dock said, " A black hole cluster is circling the planet, and pulling the planet toward it very fast!"
In one minute they were almost in the black hole.
Dock said, "Run to the other side of the Earth."
Dick said, "No, let’s just stay on this side and get killed."
Then they noticed that the black hole was as big as a thousand ordinary black holes. They stayed on the side they were on. Then when they were in the black hole, they said "What’s this universe like?"
They saw all these little black holes going all over, making holes in the planet they were on, disintegrating it. They thought: That’s how black holes destroy stuff, by shooting out smaller black holes all over, until the thing is disintegrated … and if something starts going away, it gets sucked back in, and keeps bouncing all over the inside of the black hole.
Then two bigger black holes inside the main one smashed into the planet and disintegrated it – then they went straight through each other and disappeared.
After the planet was disintegrated, everyone on the planet appeared in another universe. There were flying creatures whose wings were one foot long, but whose heads were a thousand feet wide in each direction, and whose mouths were 900 feet long in each direction, and whose tails were 900 feet long and whose legs were 20 feet long. Each foot was an acre. Everyone else got stomped on by the creatures and eaten. Dick and Dock were running around in the jungle, where the trees were 14000 feet tall.
The creatures blew fire and burned up the whole forest. But Dick and Dock found a nice baby one of those creatures, and they told it to pick up this mountain with a sharp point at the top and throw it at the creatures. The baby threw it at them and killed 100 of them.
Then they got on the little baby creature’s back and said, "Here, I’ll give you a name. It’s Baboonah." They said, "Baboonah, fly far away. Can you go off this world?"
Baboonah says, "Yes." Then Baboonah flew to where the masks were. They put the masks on their heads and flew up into outer space.
Dick and Dock said, at the same time, "How could we have gotten here from going into that black hole?"
They were surprised when they saw the big black hole farther away. They noticed that this was actually just a long time ago in the past on the planet they were on. The black hole was like a time machine.
Dick said, "Fly farther away, to another planet, where you can’t see this black hole." They got near the stars, but then the creature was starting to die from too much heat. So Dick suggested that they fly further away from the stars, so the creature was only hurt a little bit. Then the creature said, "Thanks for the advice."
Dock fell off the creature and floated into a star. Then, the star blew up and caused a chain reaction and blew another star up. Those stars were orbiting around each other.
Dick said "Look, there are two planets orbiting around each other."
Baboonah said, "A long time ago, one of the same kind of creatures as I am went past these stars, with another. One went through both of the planets and died, and the other one ran away back to the planet."
They landed on the biggest one of the planets, and then Dick said, when they went back into outer space, "These planets are both the same size. But this one has no life on it – rain falls down one foot and then goes back up to the cloud, because of electricity on the planet. The land is totally dry." So they flew to the other planet, where there were oceans and rain and flowers and trees. There was an animal with eight legs, one breast and one arm and two eyes, one nose, a big mouth with red lips and white teeth, and a birthmark on its right cheek, rolling all over on its feet in circles. Then the strange animal said, "You liar!" They saw a zipper come down the middle of his face. A person came out.
The person said, "I’ve lived here for 20 years. My name is Douk. Can I come with you?"
"Yes," said Baboonah and Dick.
Dick said, "I brought another air mask for you, Douk."
Then Douk said, "I have a house here down under the ground, because of this tribe that’s trying to hunt me down and kill me and roast me for food. I think they’re cannibals."
Dick said, "I think we can kill them, because Baboonah can breathe fire."
Douk said, "Then let’s go kill their tribe."
Then Douk said, "I’ve invented this big gun, but the tribe destroyed it. First help me fix it."
They helped him fix it, then they pointed it up at the tribe (they were underground in Douk’s house). Douk said, "This will kill them all."
Dick said, "But maybe if we attack them with smaller guns, since they only have bows and arrows, we’ll kill some of them, and then the rest will decide to come over on our side."
Baboonah said, "I have an idea. I’ll hide in the bushes. You guys hide in trees, and leap around and shoot them with smaller guns, that will just blow one little wooden cabin up and smash through it. And we won’t use the big weapon. And if we start losing, then we’ll go back into the house and use your method."
Dick and Douk said, "Okay, we’ll do it your way, Baboonah."
They went up into the trees and Baboonah hid in the bushes. Dick shot a big bullet at one of the cabins in the village. It was destroyed, and the pieces flew all over and killed some of the people."
One of the people in the village said, "Look, there’s a person" and picked up one of the logs and said "All you guys, bash your logs into this tree and knock it down. Then go after the guy in the tree, but don’t kill him, just knock him down and steal his weapon."
Dick swung on the vine coming out of the tree, but at the same time time, one of the villagers shot an arrow at the vine and broke it. He landed on another tree. He yelled, "Baboonah, fire at another cabin in the village, or two! There’s two right together – shoot at them!"
Baboonah shot his fire at the villagers. Luckily, there was some gas in a tank inside of one of the cabins, and it blew up, and made a mile-deep hole in the ground and killed almost everyone in the village.
But still, there were a hundred people with arrows shooting at the people. Dick said, "Douk, why don’t we fire our bullets at them."
Douk fired a bullet at them; then Dick yelled to Douk, "let’s shoot our fire bombs." Dick and Douk shot their fire bombs at people and blew ten of them up, each.
Dick said, "There’s 80 more to kill." The villagers were busy running while shooting their arrows at Dick and Douk, who were running to get their big gun. Then Baboonah shot his fire out while they were running and killed 70 of them. Dick said, "10 more to go."
Then Douk said, "Let’s go looking for some treasure." He got down on the ground and started shooting at the 10 people with their bombs. "We’ll have to get off this planet though."
Dick said, "No, we won’t."
Douk said, "Oh yeah. I’ve heard about some treasure on this planet, that people are guarding. Maybe we can find it."
Then they set off digging a tunnel, far away, deeper and deeper down. Baboonah said, "Shall I break a hole in this rock." He breathed fire and cracked through the wall.
There was a sea of water. Baboonah said, "Get on my back." They did, and they put their air masks on. They were going down at 60 miles an hour, until the path the river was going on split in two.
Baboonah stuck his wing out and caught a piece of gold and a piece of diamond and said, "Dick, you get this diamond. Douk, you get this piece of gold. They’re both worth the same amount of money."
Douk said, "I’ll stop here." They stopped. Baboonah cracked another hole in the wall, and when they stepped through, they found a whole cave full of diamonds and gold.
The Treasure War
Then Dick and Douk said "Can I change my name into Dock?" Dick said "OK, now you’re Dock."
So, Dick and Dock ran through the caves. They found Baboonah looking at some of the gold. Then Baboonah said "A tribe is going to have a war with us, so get ready."
Then Dick and Douk said, "We’ll make some swords out of this diamond, and some spears."
After they’d made the swords, they ran after Baboonah to have the war. Dick said, "Maybe we should get on his back."
Then they got on Baboonah’s back. They ran and they saw this sculpture that looked like a big dinosaur. Then they saw these strange little creatures, which ran all over them and starting pinching them all over. The little creatures were as big as humans but looked like ants. And they heard someone say: "Kill them! They’re intruders to this mine!" They saw this strange creature with two heads, and a dick and vagina on it too. Two heads, four legs, 29 bellybuttons, 14 chins, 200 eyebrows, and 6000 eyes. They saw it jump down and throw spiderwebs all over the antlike creatures. The antlike creatures wiggled around and died. Then it said, "Do you want me to help you?" to Dock.
So Dock went back and got his super gun, while the others stayed to fight. Baboonah shot fire at the dinosaur-like structure. A piece fell off of its head and it started to walk. Then someone said from inside it, "You will die, dragon! You destroyed part of my robot, so you will die." The structure reached down and bit Baboonah’s back. He was bleeding all over and he rolled down, and it seemed like he was dead. The structure said, from a voice inside it, "Lock him up! You might get him to act better and be on our team. Then we could beat them better if they’re still fighting.’
The antlike creatures locked Baboonah up in a jail – then suddenly, Dock got there with his super big giant gun and the other ordinary guns. Then Dock said "Get away from the structure." Dick stepped back. Dock shot the head of the structure. The structure shook all over and fell down on part of the antlike creatures, and killed them. Then, Dock said "the thing might blow up. Let’s run."
They went back to get Baboonah. But Baboonah had found his way out of the jail. He had gotten out, with the two-headed creature. The structure blew up and the way behind them was knocked down. The sharp piece of rock knocked out one of the eyes of the two-headed creature. Then they saw Baboonah. And they walked up to a piece of rock, and they saw through a crack all these mountains full of gold and diamonds. And they said, "Wow. This planet is so full of gold and diamonds – we’ll be rich in a day!" They climbed out through the crack, and they were out of the cave, on the surface of the planet, by the mountains of gold and diamonds.
Dick and Dock were climbing up the mountain of gold and kicking it, slicing the gold with their knives, and shooting the gold with their guns. Soon, they blasted a big hole in the gold mountains. They thought they would make a big hole to live in. Then, Dick had a bad idea about what they were doing – he said, "There’s no food to eat. So we’ll all die."
Dock said, "We’ve got to find a better place to live. I think I know where a big city is around here. It’s 2 miles away. Maybe we should dig two miles."
They dug for days until they got tired. They shot melting bullets from their guns to make holes in the mountains of gold, to dig a path. Then when they got tired they thought, maybe we should start climbing now. Then Dick said, "We’re just one mile away from the city."
They climbed over the last mountain of gold, and they saw a long desert. They saw lippinton animals running around on two legs, at a speed of 1000 miles an hour. One ran into Baboonah and he fell over because he was hurt from the cut he got from the structure. Then, one of the lippinton’s long necks dug straight in the ground – very deep where there was water. Then the lippinton ate some sand and drank some water. Then Dock said, "I’ve met this lippinton before. He’s my friend. He knocked Baboonah over because he thought Baboonah was going to try to kill me."
Now Baboonah flew to the other side of the desert; Dick and Dock got on the lippinton, and then the lippinton ran. But the lippinton could only run as fast as Baboonah could fly, because Dick and Dock were on him, and his legs weren’t that fat, they were think.
When they were at the other side, they saw someone, who said "My name’s Douk." Douk douched herself. Then she douched herself 10 times more. And she said "I like that! I like that!"
Then Douk said "No, I see these fighter planes trying to bomb the city."
Dick and Dock said, "Let’s run to the army base to get fighter planes."
Then Douk said, "Can I douche myself again? Or actually, 20 more times again?"
Dick said, "But you didn’t already douche yourself 20 times, so how can you do it again?"
Then Douk douched Dick and Dock 2000 times, until Dick and Dock cried.
Then Dock said, "Can I change my name back to Douk?"
Dick said, "Yes."
Then Douk said, "Can I change my name to Douk 2?"
The Major War