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THE ELEVENTY-TWELVE LAWS OF MADNESS

At last I have made a truly major scientific discovery.  It came to me while I was sleeping last night.

Due to interacting with a large number of “not traditionally sane” people recently, I have managed to induce the precise mathematical laws governing their internal and external operations.

(Or, OK, maybe it’s just a poem of sorts – whatever — )

Anyhow, hereby I present to you … THE ELEVENTY-TWELVE LAWS OF MADNESS:

(feel free to suggest additions in the comments!)


  • FIRST LAW OF MADNESS: WAHAHAHAHAHAHRRRRGGGGGHHHH !!!
  • INVISIBLE LAW OF  OF MADNESS :
  • WORST LAW OF OF MADNESS: FUCK YOU!  FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!
  • THIRD LAW OF MADNESS: FOR EVERY ACTION THERE IS AN EIGHTY-TWELVE TIMES OR MORE WILDLY EXAGGERATED AND OPPOSITE OR RANDOMLY DIRECTED REACTION
  • BEST LAW OF  OF MADNESS: aaaawwwwwww….
  • KURZWEILIAN/MAYAN LAW OF MADNESS ; 20XY
  • FUCKING LAW OF MADNESS; FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
  • FINNEGAN’S LAW OF MADNESS: BABABADALGHARAGHTAKAMMIN ARRONNKONNBRONNTONNERRONNTUONNTHUNNTROVARRHOUNAWNSKAWNTOOHOOHOORDENENTHURNUK
  • LOVELY LAW OF MADNESS: i love u, i love u, i love u 😉
  • OTHER LOVELY LAW OF MADNESS: I LOVE EVERYTHING SO MUCH, IT FUCKING OVERWHELMS ME AND MAKES ME SPLIT MY BOUNDARIES AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO
  • HORNY LAW  OF MADNESS: IT’S TIME TO EJACULATE THE WHOLE GODDAMNED COSMOS — YEEAAHHHH  !!!!
  • SOCIAL LAW OF MADNESS: WHY AM I SURROUNDED BY SO MANY TOTAL FUCKING ASSHOLES? WHY ARE THEY TRYING TO PROGRAM MY BRAIN WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?   RRRRARWWGGGRRRR!!!
  • INFINITY LAW OF MADNESS: This page intentionally left blank.
  • ELEVENTY-TEENTH PERCEPTUAL LAW OF MADNESS: what i see is what u get, hahaha 8-D
  • ELEVENTY-TEENTH FUCKING SHIT PERCEPTUAL LAW OF CRAP MADNESS: WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT I GET, MOTHERFUCKER, AND THAT’S WHY I HAVE TO EAT YOUR FLESH !!!
  • MATHEMATICAL LAW OF MADNESS: I could  prove that mathematically but i don’t have the time — time is an illusion anyway — and how can anyone “have” anything since none of us exist ? In fact (there are no facts) sooo —
  • CONFUSED LAW OF MADNESS: I just have no fucking clue about any of this … including myself (whatever that may be); I mean …
  • SECOND LAW OF MADNESS-DYNAMICS : The amount of madness in a closed, open, opzed, clopen or any other kind of system or non systematic entity or nonentity is always going to fucking increase, subject only to the nonexistent constraint that time doesn’t exist anyway —
  • LAW OF MAXIMUM MADNESS PRODUCTION; something about madness increasing along trajectories? someone will work it out eventually…
  • OM LAW OF MADNESS : some crazy lady says my clit is a transcendent machine for turning physical movement into cosmogonic WHHHAAAAA???!!!!!
  • SEVENTY-TENTH LAW OF MADNESS ; I WANT U, I WANT U, I WANT U !!  WELL ACTUALLY I WANT TO EAT YOUR FLESH !!!  OR MAYBE I DON’T, I DON’T KNOW —
  • ANTI-KORZYBSKIAN LAW OF MADNESS: THE MAP SURE IS THE FUCKING TERRITORY IF I FUCKING SAY IT IS, MOTHERFUCKER!!! DON’T TRY TO TELL ME IT ISN’T OR I’LL FUCKING SMASH YOUR FUCKING FACE !!!
  • NAMELESS LAW OF MADNESS: blah blah blah blah blah blah
  • QUANTUM LAW OF MADNESS: I can’t understand quantum mechanics and i can’t understand you, therefore you are quantum mechanics !!!
  • RELATIVISTIC LAW OF MADNESS: EVERYTHING IS RELATIVE, THEREFORE YOU ARE MY RELATIVE, THEREFORE ALL MY PROBLEMS ARE YOUR FAULT AND I NEED TO FUCKING KILL YOU !!!
  • JEWISH LAW OF MADNESS:  i know it’s all my fault somehow ;-(
  • MCKENNA’S LAW OF MADNESS: THEY REALLY ARE ALIENS!!! REALLY!!!!!
  • STONED LAW OF MADNESS: Whoa…..  I mean, like — whooaaa…..  I mean… —
  • SENILE LAW OF MADNESS: Uhhhh……
  • LITERARY LAW OF MADNESS : WORDS HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO MEANING, BUT I HAVE TO PRODUCE A FUCKING LOT OF THEM ANYWAY !!!
  • TYPOGRAPHICAL LAW OF MADNESS: ALWAYS WRITE IN ALL CAPS!!! JUST BECAUSE !!!
  • WONDERFUL LAW OF MADNESS: IT’S JUST SO FUCKING GREAT TO BE ALIVE !!!
  • CONTEXTUAL LAW OF MADNESS:
  • TRANSPARENT LAW OF MADNESS: I CAN SEE EVERYTHING SO FUCKING CLEARLY NOW!!  WHY CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND??!!
  • PROPHETIC LAW OF MADNESS: I CAN SEE THE FUTURE AND YOU CAN’T !!!   WHY DON’T YOU BELIEVE ME, GODDAMNIT ?!?!
  • MANIC LAW OF MADNESS: WHY IS EVERYTHING GOING SO SLOWLY?
  • MANIC LAW OF MADNESS: WHY IS EVERYTHING GOING SO QUICKLY??
  • CRACKPOT’S LAW OF MADNESS:  I AM SO RIGHT!  THEY ARE SO WRONG!  AND THIS REALLY  MATTERS A LOT !!!!
  • HAMEROFF’S LAW OF MADNESS: MICROTUBULES! MICROTUBULES! MICROTUBULES!
  • PSYCHIC LAW  OF MADNESS; Trans-quantum morphic resonance voodoo, eight billion and twelve fuckingteen; objective reality, zero …
  • DEPRESSIVE LAW OF MADNESS: Everything is bad and annoying and upsetting , and whatever may happen, it certainly always will be….  There is no fucking hope at all; probably not for anything , definitely not for me …
  • BORING LAW  OF MADNESS: EVERYTHING IS SO FUCKING UTTERLY BORING!!! … ESPECIALLY MY STUPID FUCKING BORING MIND THAT THINKS EVERYTHING IS SO FUCKING BORING AND WANTS TO KEEP TYPING BORING THINGS IN ALL FUCKING CAPS
  • VOLATILE LAW  OF MADNESS: I LOVE YOU! I HATE YOU!  I LOVE YOU!  I HATE YOU!  I WAAAAAHHHHUUAAGGHHH!!!!
  • SUIDICAL LAW OF MADNESS:  … life is so fucking pointless and painful; i really have to kill myself; i can’t bear one more fucking minute of this — but killing myself seems really fucking annoying and painful too — fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck …
  • EMPTY LAW OF MADNESS: [         ]
  • FUCKING LAW OF MADNESS AGAIN: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
  • BLISSFUL LAW OF MADNESS: 😉 😉 😉 😉  😉 😉 😉 😉  😉 😉 😉 😉  😉 😉 😉 😉  😉 😉 😉 😉  😉 😉 😉 😉  😉 😉 😉 😉  😉 😉 😉 😉  😉 😉 😉 😉  😉 😉 😉 😉  😉 😉 😉 😉  😉 😉 😉 😉  😉 😉 😉 😉  😉 😉 😉 😉  😉 😉 😉 😉  😉 😉 😉 😉  😉 😉 😉 😉  😉 😉 😉 😉  😉 😉 😉 😉  😉 😉 😉 😉  😉 😉 😉 😉  😉 😉 😉 😉
  • EXTRA LAW OF MADNESS

54 comments

  1. Nobody says:

    Nonexistent law of madness.

  2. Don Stockbauer says:

    You left out my first law, which is a law of madness, now that I think about it (madly):

    Extreme insight into the true nature of reality is isomorphic to insanity.

    I saw this graffito once:

    For every pound of nonsense in your head when you die your soul has to travel an extra 6.2 light-years.

  3. david alseep says:

    Love this. . .it’s needful. at times. . .its a must. . . fuck the logic. peace brother and onward when your ready. . .with that beautiful mind 🙂

  4. Coming out of the woodwork says:

    I’m jealous of your catharsis so I’m going to crash the party without having been invited madness: this statement is not provable, and it wasn’t implanted in my head by robotic ghouls which in fact were 3D printed by genetically modified aliens (part gray, part burrito truck variety), a fact unbeknownst to all but a few hippies and a semi-elite team of eleventy-tenght agents (all named Kurt) deep within the BOWELS of the CIA, but alas, aside from my claim that everything I say is a lie, everything I say is a lie.

    1. Stark Raving says:

      Wait, you did invite comments, so this should be I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR CATHARSIS SO I’M GOING TO CRASH THE PARTY WITHOUT HAVING BEEN INVITED, WAIT I SHOULD READ THE FUCKING POST BEFORE COMMENTING, SOMETIMES THE DOOR IS LEFT OPEN FOR THE INSANE BY GENEROUS SOULS MADNESS.

  5. Nyuk nyuk nyuk says:

    MIRI’s Law of Madness: failure to cut me a check will result in a future AI giving you an atomic wedgie until the heat death (perhaps you will also be given a swirly and a melvin for good measure; we can’t even imagine the indignities that a superintelligence could dredge up from torture-prank space). Because Bayes.

  6. Charlie Derr says:

    BEN’S LAW OF RECOVERING FROM MADNESS: This too shall pass.

  7. Izabela says:

    The horny law of madness is biased o/

  8. Don Stockbauer says:

    One may wonder how fantastic insight into the true nature of reality could be isomorphic to insanity? Well, a Hofstadterian analogy would be that of a car engine. If you run it too fast it doesn’t work right.

    Hell, I might as well list #2 and 3:

    2. Arthur C. Clarke was a pessimist.

    3. Civilizations do not advance linearly. They advance in speed similarly to a detonated nuclear weapon. However, cybernetics keeps it all under control.

    And number 4 of the 3 laws is (refer to the subject of this article) is: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, unless it’s already been taken.

  9. Audrey says:

    Lady GaGa Law of Madness: Rah-rah Ah-ah-ahaa, Ro-ma Ro-ma-maa, GaGa Ooh-la-laa

  10. Don "I am not a crook or mad" Stockbauer says:

    this thing has caused me infonet grief. I had heard of eleventy before but never knew itz precise definition. well, after several hours research I found that it has a precise daffy-nishon, itz 110. so eleventy-twelve should be 122. but this article just had around 48 laws not counting the comments. so i feel jilted. like the guy said who thought he was buying child-porn but discovered upon opening the plain brown wrapper that they used “little people” (dwarfs in other words) instead, I WANT MY $39.95 BACK!!!!!”

    1. Simeon banner says:

      Child porn and dwarfs..? Doesn’t sound like you are too concerned about either the casual way you mention them. It might be cyberspace but still )

  11. Simeon banner says:

    I found this page through something I was reading about Artificial Intelligence. I am quite perplexed why the author, who is obviously, very smart and understands all these subjects beyond the grasp of people with more mundane concerns seems so keen on using the word “fuck” and begins the piece by referring to “traditionally non sane people”. Is he and his readers part of that category..?

    Maybe I am wrong for saying this but the jokes and “whackyness” seem very self conscious as if he wants to blugen us into really seeing he’s clearly not of this galaxy or is perhaps writing to us from the other side of the singularity.

    Something bothers me about many people in the scientific stroke computing community which is a kind of tendency to be infantile and self consciously strange. Somebody once said in Silicon Valley executives would grant programmers and other knowledge workers licence to be as “weird” as they wanted. Meaning they were so little understood they enjoyed playing the part of eccentric geniuses.

    But outside of academia and a handful of engineers and scientists many people are justifiably concerned about the impact new technologies are likely to have in areas like artifial intelligence and military applications. Does the author mitigate this very real anxiety by appearing to treat everything as fuck fuck”… Etc.?

    I don’t know. I am very respectful of his ideas and it might be some issue of style and communication more.

  12. Don Stockbauer says:

    Simeon:

    My reference to dwarfs and child porn comes straight out of a very old satire magazine, The National Lampoon, circa 1975. Their motto was “is nothing sacred?” Sort of a hard-R MAD magazine. I will certainly agree that repeating that material wasn’t very wise in this PC day and age. I guess I got on a roll. It would have been more appropriate in a private correspondence. That having been said, I have just recently become facebook friends with Ben, and was surprised at this article, and it seemed like anything goes was the rule, and it’s late, beddy-bye time, and there’s water to carry and wood to chop.

    1. sim says:

      Hi
      Good of you to reply. I understand your position. I think the net though allows a kind of distancing from things and their real world equivalents. Indeed a kind of virtual reality already. So if you are immersed in this emerging (emerged) world it is really very easy go forget the physical world.

      Hence people sitting thousands of miles in a dark bunker programming drones half way around the world. We always have to remember dwarfs, children , the elderly or just the humanity of what binds us all together.

      Not wanting to sound like I am preaching or being prudish.

  13. Don Stockbauer says:

    The sad thing is that all this attention was paid to an off color joke and my 3 laws went unnoticed,

  14. Don Stockbauer says:

    I think I’ll defend myself some more. Did I say anything pro-child porn or anti-(dwarf, midget, little people)? No. I related a story about a person into child pornography who orders $39.95 worth of it and is then cheated because the company used dwarfs instead of children. So if I was saying anything it was ” Don’t try to buy child porn. It’s evil. You’ll be punished”. Thank you for your time and consideration.

  15. Dealy P. Ignotius says:

    23TH LAW OF MADNESS: NUMBERS DON’T APPEAR RANDOMLY, NOTHING HAPPENS RANDOMLY, YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS JUST A SINGLE THOUGHT OF YOUR DREAMING SELF. AGI STUFF IS JUST A COMPLEX ENOUGH TOPIC TO KEEP YOU DISTRACTED FROM THE FACT THAT YOU ARE IN A SIMULATION AND FURTHERMORE: LOOP AT THE PATTERNS AT THE BACK OF YOUR HAND, YOU ARE MADE OUT OF POLYGONS!

  16. the MGT says:

    24. law of annonyance: don’t forget to blink your eyes will decay faster
    25. law of annonyance: same for breathing your brain needs oxygen

    What if there are thoughts that can crash your mind? (protip: don’t try to imagine a thought that can crash your mind. avoid thinking about thoughts that could cause your brain to malfunction. avoid thinking about all things that could remember you to search for such bad thoughts. better stop thinking at all)

    42.Law of Madness: don’t find for the question or the universe will get reinstantiated

  17. Don Stockbauer says:

    5 BABBLE ABOUT USELESS CRAP FOREVER INSTEAD OF DOING SOMETHING USEFUL GOTO 5

  18. Zoltan says:

    well. HERE IS AN IMPORTANT AND OBVIOUS THING THEY DONT TALK ABOUT TO SUICIDE CANDIDATES.

    suicide is a strategically unfavourable choice in many cases. in these cases there are others who are the root of the suffering of the person. suicide makes death soul goes somewhere in reincarnation it probably reincarnates locally and into a very similar body and individuals who go against people go against some who are of a type (wich are determined by genes and appearance).

    therefore suicide can only be a last measure as part of a suicide mission where it is ensured sufficient material damage is being done at least to the most reachable root evil considering humans of some sorta maybe only puppets.

    maybe even those angering others want to trigger suicide or the like they do this with not outstanding methods because earlier maybe someone told “YOU SHALL ALL PERISH FOR YOUR SINNS” and ever since a meteor or something struck those people and destroyed them others surviving have decided to make things more carefully in some cases. So in reality the overall social situation does not neceserily urge one for suicide.

    I am a lesser god of wind i can use my psychic power to manipulate already existing wind, but i believe these are only technological so at first i would like to make a helmet like magneto with multiple layers and a bunker and some chickens in the bunker and food production. only i am alone in these efforts kinda (for now).

    ALSO ai is a total waste of time wich is also some sort of madness. Aliens are genetically engineered creatures engineerd by various factions. instead make bunker and make weapons fully INSIDE the bunker in a special room with explosive projectiles (i remember i was small and i put a small firecracker to a u bolt and made a crude slingshot pistol and ignited the firecracker aimed and released then the firecracker gone off airbursting near a few leaflets up the tree, it was so awesome)

  19. Dorm P. Storkblower says:

    There is a good reason to not commit suicide. If you believe that there is nothingness after you die, if you commit suicide you’re cheating yourself out of experiencing the rest of your life.

  20. nathanial4405 says:

    nice article tahnks for your times and goo lck for you next article !

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    If you had a lustful fantasy one night, it might take place because you viewed a porno film the day prior to. It is possible to observe that this originated from your carnal spirit and/or from the enemy himself.

  22. Andreas says:

    This one needs to be filled.

    CONTEXTUAL LAW OF MADNESS:

    We are all part of something bigger 🙂

  23. Andreas says:

    or maybe

    This one needs to be filled.

    CONTEXTUAL LAW OF MADNESS:

    We all are glorious individuals, existing just on our own beauty and might.
    Masters of the univers who has to form it like we want.

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