- Zar's Pages -

Zar Wars

by Zarathustra Amadeus Goertzel

started on the last day of his seventh year,

December 20, 1997


Dock and Dick were twin Jedi Masters, who were Luke Skywalkers kids. Luke Skywalker had kids with Leia, his sister -- they were both powerful in the force, and that's how Dock and Dick got to be so powerful in the Force at such a young age. They became Jedi Knights when they were 12, and Jedi Masters when they were 21. The Empire now ruled most of the galaxy, and the Rebels just had one planet that was safe for Rebels. But most of the Rebels were usually off of that planet -- but when they were chased, they would go to that planet: the moon of Endor. The Empire had no more Death Stars, but it had 100 Jedi Masters who were Hutts called Emperor the Hutts, and 200,000 Jedi Knights that were clones of Darth Vader.

Dick and Dock flew to the Hutt planet in their X-wing fighters so they could learn something about Hutts that would help them to defeat the Empire.


Chapter 1



Dock and Dick were in a cave on the Hutt planet, that they were driven to by a Hutt called Semtor. They said, "We should destroy the empire! It has thousands more Jedis than we have! Also, there are 100 Emperor the Hutts -- we could be killed by them. We've got to figure out a way to stop them." (Twins who are Jedi Masters often say the exact same thing at the exact same time.)

"I know," they said, "we should use some of those rock creatures who slow down the Force. But no, that's a bad idea, because they would slow down our use of the Force too.

"No, we should do that," said Dick.

Dock stole Dick's lightsaber and turned both of the lightsabers on, and said "Let's not use that, or else I'll slice you in half!"

"Don't slice me in half," said Dick, " I was just trying to trick you. We shouldn't be fighting each other, we should be fighting the Empire. We're not bad, we're good.... I think one of the Emperor the Hutts is coming here. We'd better hide ourselves; they're much more powerful than us."

"But we could make thousands of shields around us, and jails around us, and the Emperor the Hutt would get stuck in the jail, and we'd hide behind the shields, and then sneak away."

Then an Emperor the Hutt came, and they made shields and jails with the Force, and it worked!

But then 20 more Emperor the Hutts came, and they tried the same tricks, but they couldn't do it, because the Emperor the Hutts had brought ysalimiri.

Dick said, "I knew this was going to happen, but even when I told you it was going to happen, you were still doing it!" And he sneaked away.

Then Dock said "Wait for me!" and they both went down a hole. The Emperor the Hutts were too big to fit down the hole.

All the rest of the 100 Emperor the Hutts came down out of a Star Destroyer. They shot electricity down the tunnel. The electricity went much faster than Dock and Dick could move, and they got electrocuted. But the electricity was pushing them through the tunnel very fast while it was electrocuting them, until they came shooting out of the hole at the other side. They fell down on the head of Semtor, the Hutt who had driven them to the caves. "Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad Jedis," said Semtor. "You should not fight with the Emperor the Hutts."

"We didn't try to fight with them yet -- they came and we ran away down this tunnel, and they shot electricity and we got shot out."

Semtor said, "I'm a small Hutt, a littler one. I'm actually just twelve years old. I dug that tunnel and I went through it, because I knew the Emperor the Hutts were going to come. The Emperor the Hutts are full grown Hutts and I'm not. I guessed they were going to come after you, and I was right."

Then Semtor, "How many were there?"

"All 100 Emperor the Hutts."

"I didn't know they'd all be coming to get you!"

Semtor said, "I figured out that they're not my uncles.... All Hutts are afraid of Jedis, except Jedis that are Hutts. That's why they were so scared of you, and sent all 100 to come get you. Stormtroopers will be coming through the tunnel soon." Them Semtor felt thousands of things falling on his head -- stormtroopers! He said "Ouch, you idiots! What's happening? Why is everything falling right where I am? It's so strange."

Darth Vader had his lightsaber on, and he was falling too, and he killed Semtor when he fell.

Before Semtor died he said, "I don't know how everything falls and dies on me. Then Darth Vader fell on me and killed me." Then Semtor died.

Semtor's brother was named Demtor. Semtor had a house called Tor house; all the Hutts with Tor in their name lived there. Dick and Dock went to the house to visit Demtor and tell him that Semtor had died. Then Darth Vader came into the room, with his lightsaber on. He was about to slice Dick in half, then Dick used the Force to make Darth Vader's lightsaber slice Darth Vader in half.

Then they left for Kashyyk, the Wookiee planet.


Chapter 2



The first thing they saw there was 20,000 Wookies there, waiting for them. Now the Wookies liked the Empire, and were ruled by one of the Emperor the Hutts. And the Wookiees said, "We will kill you, Rebel idiot scums!!"

Dock said, "We have to kill the guy that's in charge to make us in charge."

Dock and Dick flew toward the Emperor the Hutt's palace. The Wookiees ran after them -- they ran through houses and destroyed their houses. They ran until they got the the palace, but they were

too late; Dock and Dick had beat them there.

Then they saw two Wobble-Wing fighters, and two Pie Fighters, throwing pies down on the Rebel idiot scum in the Wobble-Wing fighter, until they finally killed him.

One of the people in the Pie Fighter said "We need to put lasers in here, instead of only pie guns." They landed at a place for making spaceships. After two hours of getting their ship taken apart, it was time to get the lasers put in. It flew out, just in time to kill Dock and Dick.

Dock and Dick had just finished making some Zarlightsabers. They saw two Pie Fighters coming, but instead of pies, they were shooting laser beams.

They shot a light saber blade at each Pie Fighters, and destroyed them (Zarlightsabers are light sabers that can shoot light saber blades out of them. They keep shooting new blades out and growing new ones, so they never run out of blades). Then they said, "We've got to go back to our house that we found and fixed up, on the other planet."

They decided not to finish killing the Emperor the Hutt, and just started flying home. They decided that even if they killed the Emperor the Hutt, it would be impossible to get the Wookiees away from the Emperor.

On their way home, they saw two Pie Fighters with laser beams. They were in their new ship

that they called a Sword Beamer. The Pie Fighters were shooting laser beams at them, and Dock said,

"I've got an idea. Let's shoot a lightsaber beam through the window at them."

They opened the door of their spaceship very fast, then shot their Zarlightsabers at the ships, then shut the door very fast again. The ships were blown up.

When they got back to their house, the giant's house that they had fixed up, they named it

Dingy. Dock said, "I figured out a kind of ship called a Zar Destroyer. I want to see if it's for sale,

and how much money it would cost if it's for sale."

They went to a city called DeMeanie, on the same planet, and saw one of the ships for sale -- it was held up in outer space, and they had to fly up in a ship to it. It was a giant ship! Then they bought the ship for $60,000,000,000.

Right when they left, a bad guy in a ship called a Zeb Destroyer shot a pink ball into the sun and it bounced off onto the planet that they were on, and it turned into a giant monster. When it got to the city, it shot a ball of the slime it was made out of and the whole building turned into electricity all over. It stepped on the house, and the house was covered in slime. Two seconds after the monster was away,

electricity popped out of the house. A person called the Zar Destroyer and said "help! Dock and Dick,

we need your help! A giant Zar Destroyer is wrecking the city!"

Dick and Dock came in their Zar Destroyer as fast as they could. When they saw the giant

monster, then they sent some robots out to destroy it. The robots shot some laser beams at it,

but when they did this, it just got bigger, and sent out slime all over, and some hit the Zar Destroyer,

and electricity shot out all over the buildings in the city.

Dock and Dick thought the Zar Destroyer was going to blow up, so they jumped out of the

ship in parachutes and landed on the monster slime.

It was very interesting when they started to sink in! It looked like there were all these brains floating all over it. They grabbed one of the brain-looking things, and it looked like it was an egg.

After they popped two of them, the monster blew up, and Dock and Dick flew out into the Zar Destroyer.

The electricity-covered building turned into nothing, and the same happened to the electricity-covered house.

When Dock and Dick got back on the Zar Destroyer, they figured out that part of it was destroyed, and it took four days for them to fix it. They flew away from their planet.


Chapter 3